Zippers

Santa is bringing me new clothes for Christmas. Also a few other things. Santa started bringing me presents again last year after Dan died. Before that Dan always bought me Christmas presents. Before that I was a child and Santa brought me presents. Santa usually stops bringing you presents when you become a grown up. At least thats what we told Baby girl when she asked once. If you have a family it's ok though because your family will get you presents. Your spouse will buy you something and ideally take your child out to buy you something also. At least thats what we did.

Dan was great at buying me presents. For one he always went overboard getting me several things. Furthermore he never ever bought me something I didn't love. He had very good taste. He even bought me clothes from time to time. They always fit too. Two years ago at Christmas he bought me some perfume. It was the perfume that I wore in high school. The perfume that I had on when he fell in love with me. The perfume that I hadn't worn in years because it was discontinued and my bottle was empty. Dan tracked it down on the internet and got me some. Dan remembered what perfume it was. I only wore it once before he died.

Last year Our friends and family became "Santa's Helpers" and we woke up every morning in December to a present on our porch. That was so awesome I can't even describe it. Baby girl was astounded and asked why Santa was doing this. I told her it was because he knew we were supper sad missing daddy. Yup my family is rad.

Last year Santa (shhhhhh it's me) also got me presents for Christmas morning. I told baby girl he got them for me because Daddy couldn't anymore. It's not as much fun buying yourself presents FYI. All the excitement is gone. I mean I already know what they are. But it also would have been awkward for both of us to have baby girl have a whole pile of presents to open and me have none. It is important that baby girl keeps the magic of Christmas as long as possible.

Santa's helpers couldn't make it this year. I understand it was a monumental feat. So Santa (shhh me again) is buying me presents for Christmas morning. I might be a little addicted to this clothing line called LuLaRoe. (omg it's like a sickness). So last night Santa was picking out clothes for me online with the help of my friends. There was a dress I liked but I couldn't see the back and I couldn't tell if it had a zipper. "It can't have zippers" I said. I was adamant "No zippers" "What do you have against zippers" my friend asked. Well It's pretty simple my dead husband can't zip my dress up for me.

I have no one to zip my dresses for me. That was Dan's job. I know what your thinking, there are ways to get around that. With lots of pulling and stretching and finagling I might be able to zip my own dress. Yes but thats hard. I have a nine year old. She is certainly old enough to zip up a dress for me. Yes thats true but just file this under my "crazy widow brain" thats not her job. It's not her job to zip up my dress. I know it's no big deal but it's just one of those things that was Dan's job and I'm not willing to let him get out of this one yet.

Dan used to zip my dress and then kiss me on the back of the neck. Every time (not that I wear dresses everyday or anything but when I did)  I realize perhaps not all husbands do this. But mine did. See I told you he was incredible. He would also unzip them but I'm not going to tell you people about that.

So many things are different when your husband dies. Big giant things like him being dead and little itty bitty tiny things that nobody thinks about except you, when you need him to zip up your dress and he's not there and you remember how he used to kiss your neck and you vow to never buy a dress with a zipper again.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle