Work

I had a plan. I almost always have a plan, I'm a planner. I called it my 15 year plan but really it was more like a 20 year plan. Basically over the span of that time we would have four kids. I would be a stay at home mommy and take care of them and then when the last one was in 1st or 2nd grade I would get a job again.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. See how well that plan worked out. Let me refresh your memory, I only have one kid, my husband apart from being my soul mate was our money maker, then he died. Technically I have no income. Don't worry were ok we have social security and stuff but it's not income. It's not a job.

I never for sure knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had some ideas, an archaeologist, a wedding planner, but nothing for sure. I was secure in the idea that Dan would take care of me.
Dan knew what he wanted to be before I even meet him. I think he always knew what he wanted to do. Basically he wanted to save the world. Practically he was going to do this by being a counselor/pastor. Yes both, because one wasn't enough. Dan went to college with this goal in mind. I went to college because thats what you did after high school.  Dan went to grad school. Dan went to a lot of school, he was getting a double masters. He finished his masters counseling  and died two classes short of having his masters in divinity (thats to be a pastor). He always wanted to get a doctorate as well. I was happy with my 15-20 year baby plan. Dan was happy with it too. I went back to work for a little while after baby girl was born and we quickly decided it wasn't worth it for us.

So to recap Dan died. I'm a stay at home mom. What am I going to do? Less then a week after his death people asked me that question. Uhhhhhh I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, I was mad they were asking me so soon but really I had already been thinking about it. What was I going to do? How was I going to take care of us?  I had no plan for sudden death. Get a job? Ya I guess I'm going to have to get a job. I can't get a job, I'm a mess, I'm barely breathing. I can't get a job, I have to take care of baby girl. Where will she go while I'm at work, I'll need to hire a babysitter or something.

It is hard for me to say I am lucky or blessed or fortunate when my husband is dead. There is nothing good about that, nothing. There is pain like you didn't know existed, it hurts to breathe, still it hurts to breathe. However, I have amazing family and friends that have done nothing but take care of us. They started a fund for us when Dan died so that I could take care of me and baby girl. That coupled with the survivors benefits we get and the small amount of life insurance we had is what we've been living off of. I know I am lucky to have those things, I know a lot of people in my situation who don't, who went straight back to work after the funeral. I didn't have to because family and friends took care of us. I am grateful.

But that fund won't last forever so I need to come up with a plan.  Many people suggested I go back to school and get a carrier. Uhhhh that sounded awful and overwhelming. Some people said I should go into counseling like Dan. No that was Dan not me, I am not a counselor. I could go back to school until I figured out what I wanted to do. uh nope don't wanna. work in a coffe shop, k that could be fun but whose going to watch baby girl at 4 am so I can go to work. I did come up with a plan. It was a good plan.

My friends make there living off of selling stuff on amazon. They will teach me how.  I can do this while baby girls at school. I can do it around dr.s appointments. This is a good plan. Included in this plan is selling all Dans books that I don't want (Dan had thousands of books) on amazon. Great idea!

So it turns out this grief stuff is hard. Like really super hard. Turns out I am not as strong as people want me to be and making it through the day takes every ounce of energy I can muster. There is no room for getting a job. There is no energy for starting an amazon business. There is only grief. Also it turns out that even though you don't want a thousand or so of your husbands books you can't seem to find the heart to sell them either. They were his and now your trying to make a few bucks off them. I just couldn't do it. It was a good plan but it's not working.

Whats a crazy widow to do? Well one of her best friends planted this crazy idea in her head. See this friend is what I call a pusher. She discovered this clothing line called LuLaRoe and she pushed it on me. "here have this shirt Jen the colors are better on you" "o you have to feel their leggings, they are the softest thing you will ever touch" Well I quickly became addicted. Then she planted another idea in my head "I think you and I could sell these clothes, really I think we could" I thought about it for a few days and then my crazy widow brain said "OK" I still don't know what thats about. And I jumped in with a new plan. Today my friend and I signed up to be LuLaRoe consultants.

I'm nervous as hell, but excited too. It is similar to my amazon plan in that I can work when I need to and still be home for baby girl and make it to therapy appointments (therapy is more important then making money, everyone go to therapy). It's different from amazon because I won't be selling my dead husbands books, which is impossible. To my knowledge Dan never owned a pair of leggings so we should be good there (although he did wear a skirt twice in his life). Do I think I will be doing it for the next 20 years? no I don't, but it's a good plan for now and I think I'm ready for a job. Maybe, uhh, I can do it. I think. I do think if I sit down and cry about my dead husband while selling clothes they will be ok with it. After all I have to live up to my crazy widow title.

I wrote a book about my grief, You can read it here: Carry on Castle