Us today


                                                                                                             Dan playing in the snow 2002



I could imagine us today. Today was a snow day, a big storm coming in around noon. (big for the northwest, this ain't Minnesota, our snowstorms are different). I could imagine you getting up around 5 am. Me mumbling in my sleep asking what you were doing. "I'm gonna go in early so I can get home before the snow hits and play in the snow with baby girl" "No just stay home all day and come back to bed" I would tell him. "I gotta go Jennifer, I'm in charge" He would kiss me on the head and I would hear him lock the front door behind him. I would lay in our cozy bed and drift off to sleep until I heard our toddler crying to get up. I would grumble about it being too early and go get our rosy cheeked baby who was happy to see momma. Baby girl would walk into the nursery rubbing her eyes. "High my baby" she would say. Of course she would call it her baby. "Where did dadda go?" "Oh he went to work early so he can come home sooner and play in the snow with you"  "Yes, snow day no school. No school no school no school" she would sing as she jumped around in circles.

Baby girl and rosy cheeked baby would play and watch tv while I made breakfast. Something extra yummy for a snow day. Cinnamon rolls and hot cocoa. I liked to bake. I would text Dan 'Is there snow over there yet, none here' he wouldn't reply in a timely enough manner for me so I would start sending him silly messages 'the baby got eaten by a reindeer' 'theirs so much snow you can't open the door guess you can't come in' 'baby girl just turned into a unicorn'  Finally he would reply 'serves the baby right for playing with reindeer, I will dig my way through, you've always wanted a unicorn anyway.' 'I am working you know' Me 'whatever, is there snow'. No response. pretty sure hes doing that just to annoy me. We would snuggle on the couch all morning till baby girl would start to get ancy "whens daddy coming home. It's starting to snow. I wanna play in the snow. wheres daddy"

He would text me when he left and then text me at each little town he got to so I could tell baby girl how close he was. I would text him with a 'stop texting and driving' Finally he would come in the door. Baby girl would run and jump on him "lets go lets go play in the snow" "sno" rosy cheeked toddler would say as Dan scoped up our second baby and kissed it. Then he would look at baby girl and say "what are we waiting for lets go play in the snow" Then he would lean past our kids and kiss me and say "and how are you wifey. Did you have a good day?"

He would convince me to bundle up myself and rosy cheeked baby and come play in the snow too. And we would. throw snow balls at each other, make angels, watch the kids run and fall in the snow. I would take pictures of our happy little family. Then I would take rosy cheeked baby in for a nap and make hot cocoa while Dan and baby girl spent another hour in the snow. They would be playing so hard they would both throw their coats off and I would shake my head at them and pray they don't get colds.

They would come inside soaking wet and pile all their wet things together for me to take care of. Then we would all put on jammies and watch a movie. I would make dinner and we would put our kids to bed together like we always did. Then we would sit on the couch and watch grown up t.v. I would put my feet up and lay on him. He would fall asleep on the couch and I would say "come on old man lets go to bed" "No I'm watching this" he would say "no your sleeping, come on" We would go to bed. He would kiss me and say "good night I love you" I would say it back. He would lay on his side and put his hand on my hip, where it belonged he always told me. I would fall asleep laying next to my soul mate and I would wake up with him the next day.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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