still angry after all this time

I saw a meme just now. Just now being 3 in the morning when i'm scrolling face book because I can't sleep. I go through phases where I randomly wake up at 3 am. It's a grief thing I guess, lots of grieving people do that I hear. But i'm getting off topic.  I wanted to share  the meme but I thought it might bother some people so hey lets blog about it instead so even more people can hear about it.

 This is the meme:

Image result for minion miss you meme

Now I tend to have a thing against minion meme's but that is a whole other story. I loved the sentiment in this one. Yup I just said I loved the sentiment behind hitting someone in the face with a rock.  Specifically my dead husband. It just seems so appropriate to me. If I could hit you in the face with a rock Dan  then you would know how much I miss you. Really though that is just a teeny tiny sample of how much I miss you. To have any affect at all to how it feels I would have to drop giant boulders on your head. You know like the ones in Jerusalem that make the temple wall.  Apparently I'm still angry at him for dying.

I'm still angry at Dan for dying. In less then a month it will be two years since his death and I am still angry at him. I'm angry at him for a thing he had no control over. He had as little say it as I did. He didn't want to die either. But he did die and I am so angry at him.

I think part of my anger is due to my belief system. Dan is in Heaven. Anybody that knew Dan knows that for a fact. This is the thing about Heaven, it's awesome. It is so much better then this world. Dan is having a fantastic time, I'm sure. Here is the other thing about Heaven: there is no sadness, there is no pain, there are no tears. I'm not even sure he can miss me, if he can it is nothing like the ripping your heart out and tearing it to shreds loss like we feel here on earth. Dan doesn't miss me like I miss him, thats why Heaven is awesome. That's why I want to hit him in the face with a rock. It's not fair that I have to endure all this pain and he doesn't. I know thats very selfish of me but it is what it is.

Part of my anger is because if I'm not angry I will be so sad I won't be able to function. Being angry at Dan helps me get up in the morning. I think "Well Dan your not here to get baby girl off to school I guess I have to do it myself." "Well Dan your not going to help fix up the house I guess I have to do it myself" The anger keeps the sad away. I'm sure it's not the best coping mechanism but it's what I'm doing. If I let the sad in I will crumble, I will fall. I will be so sad I won't be able to move. I need to move, I need to keep going. I have a baby girl that expects me to get up everyday. If I let the sad in I won't be able to. Maybe some day I will find the time to just lay down and let all the sadness come, but right now I need to keep going. So for now I stay angry at Dan. He was a counselor, I'm sure he understands why I want to hit him in the face with a rock.

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