Mad at the world




I feel like I haven't written as much as I usually do lately. It may be a relief to some of you then you don't have to try to keep up. I have been utterly exhausted since Thanksgiving break. By the end of the day, (which is the only time I have to write) I have actually been going to sleep. Baby girl has been needing some extra attention lately and it is exhausting for me.

You see right now baby girl is mad at the world. Right now she is full of anger and rage. Why is my nine year old full of rage it's simple and so so complicated. Simple: her dad died almost two years ago and she misses him. Complicated: everything else. That one little fact makes every single thing harder, makes every single day harder. She doesn't know that is whats making life so hard and that makes it even harder.

I have said before that Baby girl has what I call "grief tantrums."  A giant tantrum like you would see a two or a three year old have. Crying, screaming, kicking, throwing things. Except shes nine not two. She did that when she was two and three, but she grew and she got over it . A two year old does that because they haven't learned how to focus their emotions and put them into tangible words. My nine year old does it for the same reason. She doesn't know how to focus or control these massive massive emotions of grief. This isn't she didn't get her way tantrums, these are my daddy is gone, dead, never coming back and I can't grasp that tantrums. Shes nine, I'm 36 and I can't really grasp that, I really should be throwing more of my own tantrums.

Her therapist (really everyone go to therapy, I make my kid go, you can go too) explained it very well to me the other day. He said imagine your walking down a road, If somebody bumps you it's just a little bump, you shake it off and you keep going. Now kids like baby girl who have had trauma (yes your daddy suddenly dying is trauma in case you didn't think so. trust me it is) are walking on the edge of an emotional cliff. If they get bumped even a little bit they are know falling off a cliff.  Yes that describes baby girl exactly I said. Every little emotional bump is huge to her and she doesn't know how to handle it. No wonder shes screaming and kicking shes holding on to a cliff by her finger nails. I would be kicking and screaming too. (seriously why aren't I).

Baby girl has had a grief tantrum every other day or so since the beginning of Thanksgiving week. It's exhausting, mentally and physically. I am exhausted. I texted my sister last week and said "baby girl wants to come live with you now. come get her".... "no really come get her"... "she likes you better anyway." ... "come get her"  My sister didn't come. it's not very tempting to come pick up a raging child and carry her away.

I love baby girl with every fiber of my being. The entire world knows that. But parenting is hard on a good day, with a co-parent. I never wanted to be a single parent because I knew I wasn't cut out for it. I was so grateful that I would never have to worry about that. It never once crossed my mind that Dan would die. Grief, her grief, my grief, everyone's grief makes every single thing harder. It makes breathing harder, It makes putting on a pair of pants harder. It makes facing the world harder. If you've never had grief like this you can not grasp why putting on pants is harder now then it used to be. If you have had grief this big then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Just trust us that know it is harder to put on pants, It is harder to face the world. That doesn't go away just because your nine. It's no wonder shes so mad at the world, she can barely get her pants on. I am trying to help her, I'm her mommy thats what I do, but I am exhausted. It's your turn Dan, o wait I can't tag you in anymore.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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