I don't have time to grieve today

It’s morning. I’m running late already. My biggest pet peeve is being late. Dan used to make me late for things because he procrastinated. Really he was the worst procrastinator I've ever known. I think baby girl is following his footsteps in this. Now I’m late for things because my husband is dead and I can’t get my act together and I cant get my kid together either.  So really it’s still his fault. I walk into the kitchen. My mother in law is crying.  I don't have time for this today. I have to keep it together today. I have lots to do today, I'm telling myself as I ask out loud “Are you alright”  “I’m just having a bad morning” she says through tears. My father in law notices and walks over to her and asks why as he's hugging her. My husband doesn't hug me anymore “I know why... cause Dan’s still dead” I say causally as I grab a class from the cupboard. Cause thats what I do now I guess, causally talk about my husband being dead, like it's an everyday thing because it is now.  I want to give her a hug too but I don’t have time to give hugs today Hugs will likely make me start crying and I don’t have time to cry today. I have to shower, I have to get baby girl to shower (really an amazing feat getting a 9 year old to shower, you should try it sometime) and I have to leave. In an hour. If I’m lucky I will get to eat. So thats what I do. I don't have time for grief today.

We go to church. Yes we made it to church today. We had a long weekend and I would have skipped because then I would have time for grief. Except it's the Christmas program and baby girl is playing an angel. We even get there on time. Even after picking her friend up. Really I deserve a gold star. I'm talking to a couple at church and they are saying how they need more communion helpers. I tell them I can help today. "Really, do you know how? Can you help regularly?" Well thats a big question for me. I gave a reply. It was a strange reply for me and I don't know why I phrased it this way but I did, I said "of course I know how. I used to do it all the time but you know then that big thing happened and I stopped" That big thing happened and I stopped. That big thing being my husband dropped dead right in front of me. Usually I'm pretty straight forward about that, I don't believe in talking around it (obviously). But today I did and even as I was saying it I don't know why I said it that way. Never the less they knew what I was talking about. I also told them I could start doing it regularly again. I don't know why I did that. I want to help, truly I do, but my commitment ability is unstable. You never know if the grief will be too much on any given day and you won't be able to show up. But not today. I don't have time for grief today.

My little angels were beautiful as always. I take the friend home, discuss a play date for the coming week and say we gotta go were gonna be late. We go home, eat a quick lunch grandma had already made, if she hadn't made it for us we would have gotten MacDonalds because along with not having time to grieve today I don't have time to cook today. We get in the car with grandma and go see a Christmas play. 

My sister in law and here kids join us for the play. She doesn't talk much to me these days, I don't think she has time to grieve either. After the play we go out to ice cream. I got chocolate chip cookie dough. Dan's favorite ice cream was chocolate. My favorite ice cream is mint. But both of our second favorites was chocolate chip cookie dough. So when I didn't feel like buying two different kinds of ice cream I would buy cookie dough and we would both be happy.  As I'm eating it I remember all the times Dan and I sat on the couch and ate cookie dough ice cream while watching tv. I I fixed it for us I would scoop it out into two bowls. If Dan fixed it he would grab the container and two spoons. Sometimes he would just grab one spoon and act like he didn't think I wanted any and we would fight over the spoon.

After ice cream I took baby girl and grandma home. Then I had to go buy bunny food because we were out and the bunnies were hungry. Then I had to drive it to our new house because even though were not moved in yet our bunnies are. Then I had to feed them in the dark. In the before I would notice it getting low and buy some several days before I needed it so that I wouldn't have to go out late when I was tired and get food. I don't remember stuff like that anymore. It's part of that I don't have my act together because my husband died thing. Someday I'll write about how the bunnies are related to grief because they are. But not today. I don't have time to grieve today.

We were going to go out to dinner with my in-laws but baby girl didn't want to. I don't blame her we had a busy weekend and I'm exhausted too. Also I am too exhausted to try and make her so we just stay home, we all just stay home. Now it's bedtime. I have to put baby girl to bed something I've done every single night for the last 23 months. With the exception a a few times she has spent the night somewhere. Bed time is tiring, especially when you know your not supposed to be doing it by yourself and yet you are. I have to do bedtime, I don't have time to grieve today.

And now it's late. I am exhausted like usual. There is no imaginable way to express how exhausting grief is. I want to go to sleep. I want to sleep for days. I think about how nice it would be to sleep for months. Maybe if I slept for 3 months I would finally wake up rested. I delude myself with that thought.  I'm not asleep because I don't have time to sleep right now because this is my time to grieve today.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle