That time of the month




Yesterday was that time of the month again. It usually puts me out of sorts for about three days.  Every month I dread these days. Yesterday was 23 months since Dan died. 1 month short of two years. How can he have been gone for that long already? It still doesn't seem real.


Last night we had our support group. We did a candle lighting for our loved ones and each told a story about them. True to form Baby girl choose not to participate. But I did, my story wasn't really a story but more like a trait of Dans. I talked about how he never wore a coat. He hated wearing coats. I don't really know why. But I said how it would be freezing and I would have a giant warm coat on and Dan wouldn't have any coat on at all, how he and baby girl would go play in the snow and it was only about ten minutes before both of them had thrown their coats off.  And then I started crying, because I was talking about my husband not wearing a coat. It was one of my big pet peeves about him, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just put a coat on. If only I could be rolling my eyes at him right now for not wearing a coat. What I wouldn't give to be annoyed with him.

23 months. I guess we are surviving. I'm not gonna lie, the holidays have been really hard this year and it's not even Christmas yet. Some people say the second year is harder then the first. I don't know about that but it is defiantly different. Just different kinds of hard I think.

Most of the time I live my life with a dull ache in my heart. A longing for that huge piece of me thats missing. Everything I do is connected to Dan. In a way thats how it should be we were married for 15 years. Now he's dead so everything thats connected hurts and like I said everything is connected.

Sometimes, actually quite often, the dull ache turns into a sudden stab. Like a punch in the gut or being thrown into icy cold water. It makes me gasp and my mind starts racing. What do you mean he's dead? How can he be dead? This isn't right. No No No. How is it possible he's dead? Then I try to tell myself  that it is true that he's been dead for 23 months and my mind races again. 23 months? how did that happen? where have I been? where has he been? How could it have been 23 month already?

 I haven't done anything for 23 months. I've just been trying to survive without him, Sometimes I think thats all I will do for the rest of my life, just try to survive without him.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. Joan HerwigDecember 15, 2016 at 10:02 PM

    This whole thing resonates so deeply with me. Thank you for writing this - someone it helps.

    ReplyDelete

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