Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

Ever since Baby Girl started kindergarten I have been an active member of the PTA. Heck last year I completely lost my mind and was PTA president. I think because my husband was dead and not here to talk any sense into me. PTA does things like organize the Daddy Daughter every year around Valentines Day.  I was always one of the main organizers of the Dance. One year we did a little craft with a poem Dan had written and cut outs of Daddy's and Daughter's hands. I have the cutest pictures of them at the dance together. Almost the entire time I've been on PTA we have talked about how we can make it sound more inclusive, because we did want to include everyone we just didn't know how. "Daddy, Daughter, uncle, grandfather, whoever Dance" is not very catchy. We always put in small print on the flyer "If dad is unavailable the daughter may be accompanied by someone else who has a father like role" Man we were stupid. If I were to put on facebook "

Baby girl is sleeping beside me, snuggling her favorite stuffed animal.  Yes she still sleeps in my bed.  She didn't used to. She used to sleep very happily in her own bed, then her daddy died in the middle of the night.  That's scary stuff in case you don't know so she started sleeping in my bed where its safe.  It took almost a year and a ton of work like spraying for monsters and me sleeping on the floor of her room to get her back to her own bed, but we did it.   Then we were forced to move out of our home we loved.  That's also scary stuff so she started sleeping in my bed again.  Cause life is scary right now. I had lunch with a friend today and she asked how baby girl was doing. I said "uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhggggggggg" "that well huh" she said "yup that well" I think I have said this before but baby girl is having a tough year. Its hard to articulate because it's a 1,000 tiny things that seem unrelated and look unrelated unless you kno

Every night we have the same bedtime routine. One of the things we do is I tell Baby Girl that I love her more then anything. Then I say "and daddy loves you more then anything" every night because I don't want her to ever ever forget.  Most of the time she completely ignores me, a lot o times she rolls her eyes. Sometimes she says "I know, I know, you tell me every night" That's right I do. Then we say our prayers, I know technically there's no such thing as a bad prayer, but Dan was always so much better at praying then I was. He was always so eloquent. The first night Dan was gone, I prayed as tears ran down my face, "Dear God, please help our hearts to hurt not so bad." that was it. That was all I could muster, that was all I could muster for months. Eventually I added the sentence, "Help us to remember daddy and talk about him."  Then that was all I could muster. Slowly I added short things, like help us get a good nights sle

I was so proud of myself. I went into therapy and she asked me how my weekend was. You know the one where we ran away to the beach because it was the two year anniversary of my beloved husbands death. (Side note, he doesn't come back after two years either.) So I told her "you know what it was really good. We all had a really nice time. I actually slept which I was not expecting to be able to do. I didn't feel like I was in a fog. Of course I missed Dan but I do that every second anyway. It really went pretty well." and then we talked about how that in itself is strange and deep stuff pertaining to that for another blog. Then we came home from the beach. Then anxiety had Baby Girl by the claws. One thing beyond description that is not death is how stressful it is for yourself when your child is having anxiety.  It is extremely draining, it makes you mentally exhausted.  You may be aware that Baby Girl loves her consolation kitty (you can read about that here if you w

Some days I feel like I can handle this grief thing, like I can continue living without the love of my life beside me. Some days I think I will be alright. I think I can make it. Some days I'm actually happy. Someway I can look out of my closed up little box and see the world again. It rained today. I've always loved the rain. In case you don't live in the Pacific North West rain is a big deal around here. Snow is an even bigger deal. Here's how it works, snow lives up on the mountain and you drive an hour or so to visit it whenever you want, then you leave it behind and you come home to your cozy house on your clear street. Once a year or so it snows in the valley. It's beautiful and majestic. The whole city shuts down and you play in the snow with your kids. Then it melts in a day, maybe two. This year it did not melt. We have had more snow then I ever remember. My kid is going to be going to school till July to make up snow days. We've had snow off and on s

I was talking to one of my best friends the other day. She called to check on me, she does that a lot and I love her for it.  Anyway she has been married for I think four years now (sorry if I'm wrong guys, my memory ain't what it used to be). Her husband is wonderful and awesome and there the type of couple that are so disgustingly cute you want to gag. Dan and I may have been like that a little. Anyway she said, "Can I ask you a question....did you expect marriage to be this happy?" Uh what I ask "I just don't think we expected to be this happy. My parents weren't like this. But I know you and Dan were disgustingly happy, is that what you expected or where you surprised." Huh? Of course I expected to be happy, why would I marry someone who I wouldn't be happy with. I see what shes trying to say. A lot of people have problems with their spouse, they fight a lot, or don't communicate, or any number of things. At least thats what I've he

I'm not sure quite what to say (really I never am). Yesterday, January 12, 2017 was the two year anniversary of Dan's death. I hate the word anniversary for this. Anniversary's are happy occasions. Some people call it a deathaversary or death day but I don't much like those names either. I don't have a name for the day my soul mate left this planet, left me, and his baby girl, and his parents, left us all. I don't think such an awful day can have a name. We could be like Voldemort and call it that day that shall not be named. Some people elude to that, they say "and then you know everything changed" or "ever since you know" yes yes I know, I actually was there. I prefer you say it for what it is.Ever since Dan died everything has changed, ever since Dan died etc. We do this because Dan died. We all know the truth, why do we act like we don't. Because it hurts I guess. Two years is different then one year. I'm still trying to figure

Baby girl has a six week after school program one day a week right now. Yesterday I took her to school and said in front of her teacher “remember you have after school program today” Baby girl said she would remember, her teacher commented on how fun the program was.  After school I got a phone call from the after school program they said “we have baby girl marked absent today” Uhhhhhhhhhhhh Noooooooooooo. Baby girl should be there; did she forget and get on the bus? The lady on the phone doesn’t know. She’s not actually at the school she just makes the phone calls.  Panic Panic Panic Panic. I am 99% certain that baby girl forgot and got on the bus. 99%, but that 1%, tells me that I know bad things happen now. That something could be terribly wrong. That 1% thought is winning over the 99% common sense. “Ok I’ll call the school” I say trying not to sound panicked.  I call the school secretary and say “baby girl isn’t in the after school program can you ask her teacher if she fo

I went to therapy the other day (everybody go to therapy) We were talking about getting to the two year mark. Ugg, gag, Did I just get punched in the gut? Because thats what it feels like every time I say it's been two years since Dan died. And thats what I told my therapist. She said "does it still feel like a shock to you that Dan died" Uh yes. Hell yes. Of course it's still a shock, it just happened didn't it? Like yesterday. Apparently two years is a little longer then yesterday. It's been so long since I've seen Dan and at the same time it feels like it was yesterday. This is what I told my therapist, "I know it was two years ago but it still feels like it just happened, Dan could walk through that door right now just as easily." I am still waiting. Still waiting for Dan to walk through the door, I can see him opening the door of my therapists office (a place he's never been because I didn't go to therapy before) I can picture his

So last week was Christmas. We got spoiled. Baby girl got really spoiled. People like to spoil her these days, shes always been a favorite (cause my kids awesome). But ever since Dan died she has really become a favorite. People are always giving her presents, little stuffed animals, little toys that remind them of her or they think she would like. I know what there doing, I do it to. They either consciously or subconsciously are saying "I'm sorry your daddy is dead maybe this will help." As if a toy, any toy might make up for her dad dying. It doesn't and we all know it, and yet we all do it. Like I said I do it too. Because we will try anything we can to make her smile. to put that sparkle back in her eyes. If you don't know her as well as I do you may not think it's gone, but trust me it is, they are not the same. She has her daddy's eyes, same sparkle and all. Her sparkle left with her daddy. Sometimes I can catch a glimpse of it, usually when she gets

I had a Dr.s appointment the other day. I started seeing this Dr. almost exactly a year ago at the recommendation of my therapist. It had been a year since my husband tragically died right in front of me. My therapist is awesome and didn't say anything stupid like I should be feeling better now or I should be moving on. But she did say I could use some extra help. I was barely sleeping. So I went to this Dr. and she gave me anti-depressants. They help a lot. I remember filling out the intake papers and thinking these were not made for me. There was no spot for widow, I had to write it in. It asked if I was in a committed relationship, I checked yes and then I wrote in "but he's dead." What is the reason for your visit? uh my husband died. What brought on this problem? well, my husband died. How long have you had this problem? Ever since my husband died. I'm pretty sure every other question was answered with some form of "my husband died" Then it asked

We had green beans for dinner tonight. Baby girl loves green beans, her favorites are the French cut ones. Dan and her came up with the name "nicely slicelys" for them. I have no idea where that came from. She went through a stage where she would only eat nicely slicelys. Regular green beans wouldn't do. Tonight we had regular green beans. Baby girl ate them up. Grandma said "I'm sorry they didn't have the other kind you like when I went to the store." baby girl said "huh" and I interjected "she means nicely slicelys" and baby girl said "huh" Baby girl hasn't called them nicely scicelys in awhile now. I think she forgot thats what she called them. Dan's not here to remind her. My widow brain has a hard time remembering stuff like that. I feel like stuff like that is slipping away. Silly little quirks we had. Funny little phrases we said. It's slowly slipping away. I saved some of his shirts for baby girl to w