Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

I went over to my boyfriend Justin's house the other day. I was feeling a bit out of sorts that day but I couldn't put my finger on why. he looked at me "You feeling ok baby?" he asked, "ya I guess, my head kinda hurts though." That was all, I had had a slight headache since about 2. I sat down on the couch and started to watch his kids play. For no reason what so ever my eyes started to get blurry with tears. Then they started to drip down my face, just because. Justin sat down next to me, "hey hey hey whats wrong sweetheart" "Nothing." I say, cause nothing was wrong. "I just, I don't know whats wrong with me." I sobbed as I buried my head in his chest. Sometimes I think he knows me better then I know myself, Dan was like that too. he put his arms around me, "Is it Dan and the holidays coming up?" I hadn't thought about it until he said it but ya thats exactly what it was. I cried harder. Ya thats def

My dad was over for dinner last night, Baby Girl was in the bathroom and my dad asks "So hows Jr. High going?" My Boyfriend Justin groaned, I groaned and then replied "Terrible"  "No really" he looked at me, "It can't be that bad?" uuuuuuggggggggg "Ya, ya dad, it is that bad" When Dan died Baby Girl was left with what I consider very high anxiety, its the main way her grief comes out, in fear of the unknown, which then comes out in anger and rage. We went through years of therapy to get to a point which I would consider manageable , meaning she can leave the house without crying that her tummy hurts, meaning she's ok when mommy goes out without her, I'm pretty sure she even mostly thinks I will come back. Thats not to say she doesn't have her moments, one step forward, two steps back is what people say. Change inevitably creates anxiety for Baby Girl. If you read my last post you will know that Baby Girls

I haven't blogged in a really long time, like really long. I got a job, and a boyfriend, and well I've always had a kid. Turns out all those things make me incredibly busy so I don't have as much time to write like I want. But this morning I had a brilliant idea, I can write on my lunch break, so hopefully you will see more blogs soon. Thus let me refresh your memory, or if perhaps your reading this blog for the very first time; here's what you missed; 4 years and 10 months ago. January 12, 2015 to be exact, my husband had a siezure and dropped dead in front of me. It wasn't much fun, in fact you could say it was extremely traumatic, ya lets go with that one. Also in case you didn't know, I was a whopping 34 years old, Dan had just turned 36, and we had a 7 year old daughter named Baby Girl (ok thats not her real name, but I'm gonna pretend to protect her identity just a little). To add fuel to the fire, we were high school sweethearts, soul mates, madly