The body still knows

I went over to my boyfriend Justin's house the other day. I was feeling a bit out of sorts that day but I couldn't put my finger on why. he looked at me "You feeling ok baby?" he asked, "ya I guess, my head kinda hurts though." That was all, I had had a slight headache since about 2. I sat down on the couch and started to watch his kids play.

For no reason what so ever my eyes started to get blurry with tears. Then they started to drip down my face, just because. Justin sat down next to me, "hey hey hey whats wrong sweetheart" "Nothing." I say, cause nothing was wrong. "I just, I don't know whats wrong with me." I sobbed as I buried my head in his chest. Sometimes I think he knows me better then I know myself, Dan was like that too. he put his arms around me, "Is it Dan and the holidays coming up?" I hadn't thought about it until he said it but ya thats exactly what it was. I cried harder. Ya thats defiantly it.

Five years ago, the very week before Thanksgiving Dan had three seizures in a 24 hour period and we ended up spending the night at the hospital. We didn't know it at the time but that was the begging of this terrible nightmare where my 36 year old husband dies of a siezure on January 12, 2015. If you want to read that awful story you can find it HERE. My body remembered what day it was even if my mind was trying to forget. Thanksgiving is always a trigger for me now.

Baby Girl had a fantastic weekend. She had a friend spend the night and we went and saw Frozen 2. Her and her friend giggled and giggled and giggled. I haven't seen her that happy in months. Seriously it has been months since Baby Girl wanted to play with friends or laughed until she couldn't stand it. It was a great weekend. we ended it by going out to dinner with grandma and auntie. We had a great time doing that too.

We pulled into our driveway and Baby Girl grabbed the book she was reading out of the seat. All of a sudden there was a crying Baby Girl. Crying for no reason. "Hey hey Baby Girl, whats wrong, Baby Girl what happened." She continues to wail and points to her book. One way anxiety plays out in people is perfectionism. Baby Girl  has anxiety because her dad died almost five years ago. Baby Girls anxiety often plays out in perfectionism. Her bed has to be perfectly made or she won't sleep in it. Her zippers on her back pack have to be perfectly lined up. Her books have to be in perfect condition. I look at her book and the corner of the cover had gotten bent and had a crease in it.

Baby Girl was having a panic attack over her bent book. Uncontrollable sobbing, shaking, shallow shallow breaths. I climbed into the back seat of the car with her and held her. "take deep breaths Baby Girl oooooooooooooooooooooo hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, come on baby Girl you need to take deep breaths" she wasn't listening to her mommy "No...Can't...not right...the air doesn't feel right... it's too wide...my throat doesn't feel right...the airs not right." She said in between shallow breaths. I've never seen anyone actually hyperventilate but I'm pretty sure thats what was happening to Baby Girl, she was not breathing normally. O man kid don't faint on me.  I remembered MTD told me once that when a panic attack comes, a child (or really anyone) can't comprehend directions, so rather then tell her to take deep breaths emulate it for her. I wrapped my arms around her and made very loud deliberate deep breaths. She started to copy me. After a couple minutes we decided we could move inside to the couch.

She laid on her back on the couch and I sat next to her and held her hand. Still emulating and coping our deep breathes. Finally she spoke. "I feel better mommy but still not right. Something was wrong, the air didn't feel right it was too big and wide, like...like...like gravy" Gravy-really-she is such her fathers daughter. "ya you've been getting really upset about stuff lately, I think we should tell MTD about this"  she did not like that answer "No! Why would we do that" "Well Baby Girl thats what MTD is for to talk to about stuff like this, he has pretty good ideas about how to help." She seemed to be thinking about it, at least that was an improvement.

I thought about her book, she really gets so upset about her books. I wonder if it's because Dan loved books so much. "You know Baby Girl your book doesn't have to be perfect. Nothing is perfect. remember what Stitch says 'It's broken and little, but still good, ya still good'" Stitch was talking about his family. I think of that line often about our family, were broken and little now but still good.

A few minutes later she said "Mommy is what I just did called a panic attack?"  wow holy hell is she actually asking questions about her feelings "Ya Baby Girl it was, you get them a lot actually, they always look a little different, but you get them a lot." I gave her a couple examples of past panic attacks for instance my last blog which you can read HERE. Then she looked at me, "Have you ever had a panic attack?" "Ya Baby I have, I got them quite a lot right after Daddy died" she looked at me sideways, "Mommy why do you think I get panic attacks?" O my darling Baby Girl. "Do you want my professional opinion?" I asked. She laughed in my face "Mommy your not a professional anything."  "Exactly" I said, "Do you want to hear what I think...I think you get panic attacks because daddy died." She pondered on that one.

That was the end of our conversation. We moved on to me rolling her up in her blanket like a burrito.

A little bit later Justin came over. He was fixing the light switch in Baby Girls room and she was watching to "make sure he doesn't blow my room up" As I was walking down the hall I overheard her tell him. "I had a panic attack tonight, I do that a lot." Wait what, did she just tell another human being about her panic attacks? And my boyfriend at that! Part of me wonders if it was a test, after all this guy says he loves both of us, is he gonna love us if he finds out she's broken. If it was a test he passed with flying colors. Causally as he was screwing the light into the wall he said, "oh ya I heard about that, it's ok, lots of people get them."


If you want to hear more of our story I wrote a book. You can buy it HERE