Backsliding in grief

My dad was over for dinner last night, Baby Girl was in the bathroom and my dad asks "So hows Jr. High going?" My Boyfriend Justin groaned, I groaned and then replied "Terrible"  "No really" he looked at me, "It can't be that bad?" uuuuuuggggggggg "Ya, ya dad, it is that bad"

When Dan died Baby Girl was left with what I consider very high anxiety, its the main way her grief comes out, in fear of the unknown, which then comes out in anger and rage. We went through years of therapy to get to a point which I would consider manageable , meaning she can leave the house without crying that her tummy hurts, meaning she's ok when mommy goes out without her, I'm pretty sure she even mostly thinks I will come back. Thats not to say she doesn't have her moments, one step forward, two steps back is what people say. Change inevitably creates anxiety for Baby Girl.

If you read my last post you will know that Baby Girls Grandpa, Dan's dad died a few weeks ago. We knew it was coming, he was sick. I tried to prepare Baby Girl "Grandpa is very very sick and we don't know if he is gonna get better" "Grandpa is very very sick and the doctors cant help him anymore, Grandpa is going to die" "Grandpa is going to die very soon Baby Girl." "We know grandpa is going to die so we are going to go tell him how much we love him one more time." "Baby Girl, Grandpa died today"

She stayed very close to me after that, I figured she would. Monday came, "Baby Girl lets get ready for school" "I'm not going to school I'm staying with mommy" Thats fair I thought, Grandpa just died, "ok you stay with mommy" The next day, she said the same thing,  I let it go, she was sad, she missed her Grandpa, they were very close. On Wednesday I said, "come on Baby Girl, it's time to get back to school, you don't want to get behind." "No I NEED to stay with mommy" I tried to convince her she didn't. I tried to convince her she was fine. "No I NEED to stay with mommy, I need to stay with mommy where I'm safe."  Oh, thats it, Grandpa died and she doesn't feel safe anymore, she wins she gets to stay with mommy another day. I told a wise women what Baby Girl said about being safe, she replied, "It's not about her being safe, it's about her knowing your safe," Good point, daddy died, now grandpa died, what if mommy dies, we must make sure mommy is safe.

We did the funeral and funeral like things, Baby Girl attended and cried hard, how much can one tiny heart take? Through it all Baby Girl was constantly beside mommy, worried about where I was going and what was going to happen next. When she gets anxiety she also gets very very angry. Go back and read some of my old blogs about how anger and rage came out as a form of Baby Girl's grief. I haven't written about it in a long time because she hasn't done it in a long time. At least not something that wasn't just crazy preteen emotions. This was beyond that, maybe I should call MTD?

MTD stands for Magic Therapy Dude a.k.a Baby Girl's therapist. We hadn't been to therapy for about a year because she was doing so well.  I emailed MTD with a 'I'm not sure if she needs to come in but heres what has been happening.  The list included, Starting Jr. high, mommy getting a job, Grandpa dying. Since Grandpa died she has cried and screamed almost everyday, most days it's because she doesn't want to go to school, but it's not a I hate school it's boring kinda deal, it's a "please please mommy don't make me go, please please I can't go, I can't do it. Please please I have to stay with you. For the full hour before she goes, Thats assuming I can get her to go.

The other day she didn't want to go to school, she wouldn't say why, just that she wanted to stay with mommy, she was getting over a cold and had stayed home the two days before. "No Baby Girl, you are better enough to go to school, you have to go to school, lets get dressed."  "No I'm not going to school you can't make me." as she burst into tears and slammed her bedroom door. We had quite a time of going back and forth over school. she wouldn't do it "I can't go mommy I have to stay with you" with every word she cries harder and is getting more panicked. I feel like I can see her racing heart beating out of her chest. My 12 year old is having a panic attack and a big one. It's not the fist one, they started when she was seven because her daddy died. I'm afraid they will plague her for the rest of her life. That's not the life I wanted for her.

I sit down on the bathroom floor because thats where I was standing. I've learned over the last four years that sitting or lying on the floor can help slow everything down, cause your not expected to be up and in the world when your on the floor. Baby Girl crumpled in a heap next to me and put her head on my leg. I still don't know what to do, or how i'm gonna convince her to go to school. So I call grandma, Dan's mom, whose husband just died, but I need her to take care of us cause her son's not here. I put her on speaker phone and tell her whats going on. Grandma tries to convince Baby Girl to go to school, Baby Girl cries some more. I don't really know how but somehow Grandma convinced  Baby Girl to go to school for just first period and then if she wanted mommy would come get her. Baby Girl agreed and Grandma and I were thinking once she gets there she will realize it's ok and stay all day.

As we drive to school (now late) Baby Girl is still begging me not to make her go. However she has calmed down enough to actually use intelligible sentences. "Please mommy don't make me go, I don't like it, I don't have any friends, I don't know any of the teachers, they are all scary, nobody knows me."  Ya, I remember those days. Jr high sucked on a good day for me and I didn't have death and anxiety and panic attacks to worry about. Shes working herself up into a panic again and by the time we get to school she is crying so hard she won't get out of the car. I miss elementary school, where everyone knew us and everyone knew our story and the school secretary would write me a tardy note and say "your fine honey, your doing the best you can, we know that" where everyone knows Baby Girl and and what a great kid she is, they know her story and her anxiety and they know how to help her with it. O man I miss our elementary school.

"Baby Girl why don't we go in and talk to the school counselor." I say, “No no no mommy I’m not going, I don’t wanna talk to anybody” she screams as were sitting in the school parking lot. “Baby Girl get out of this car right now. If you don’t get out of the car mommy will go into the school and tell the principal you won’t come to school.” I get out of the car and start walking, Baby Girl reluctantly follows behind me, face red, streaming tears. We walk into the school and I tell the secretary “Baby Girl needs a tardy slip and we would like to talk to the school counselor if we can.” She can see we are not having a good day and escorts us back to the counselors office.

The school counselor doesn’t know us, hasn’t meet us, has no idea what kind of a mom I am or what kind of a kid Baby Girl is. I talked to her on the phone briefly last week after grandpa died. Told her our story in about three sentences and she told me she would check in on Baby Girl, I don’t think she had gotten around to it yet. She looked at us in a ‘what seems to be the problem’ kinda way. So I said “Baby Girl really doesn’t want to be at school, she wants to stay home with mommy all the time.” The counselor said something I don’t remember about how school is important and she needs to come and later that day the counselor would spend some time getting to know Baby Girl. She reluctantly agreed to go to school and I walked with her to her locker so she could put her stuff away.  

We didn’t make it to her actual class. “Mommy I can’t, I can’t go, please don’t make me go, please mommy, don’t you love me?” Uggggggggggggg I hate that one, how old will she be when she finally learns that love means doing what’s best for you not just giving you what you want.” And she sat on the floor of the school hallway and cried. 

 “come on” I said and I started to walk away, trying to hold my tears in too. “where are we going mommy what are we doing?” she asks as she follows behind me “I don’t know but we can’t stay here” I didn’t know what to do, I don’t have a clue, I know I shouldn’t take her home but we cant stand in the middle of the hallway either, the bells about to ring. Maybe I should take her home, clearly something is wrong, maybe that would be best for her just for today. I walk back into the counselor’s room trying not to cry. “She won’t go to school, I don’t know what to do.” I tell her defeated.  The counselor put her hands on her desk and looked at us. “You leave and let us take care of it”

So I did. I Left the school, I left Baby Girl standing in the middle of the counselor’s office crying her head off. I got to my car and started crying my head off.

“Your such a good mom” people always tell me. “your doing this so well” doing what? Parenting solo? I’m parenting solo so well? I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, I’m crying my eyes out because I left my 12 year old at school crying her eyes out. I did not sign up for solo parenting, that’s not the deal I made with Dan.

We went and saw MTD. We go back next week. I imagine we will be doing that for awhile again.  She has pre-teen hormones, she has a new school, she doesn’t have many friends, her grandpa just died, she has panic attacks, she has anxiety, she has a daddy that died on her when she was seven. Life fucking sucks for her right now. I don’t let her say fuck, shes only 12.

If you want to read more about our grief and how much it sucks I wrote a whole book about it. You can buy my book HERE