Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

I had a plan. I almost always have a plan, I'm a planner. I called it my 15 year plan but really it was more like a 20 year plan. Basically over the span of that time we would have four kids. I would be a stay at home mommy and take care of them and then when the last one was in 1st or 2nd grade I would get a job again.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. See how well that plan worked out. Let me refresh your memory, I only have one kid, my husband apart from being my soul mate was our money maker, then he died. Technically I have no income. Don't worry were ok we have social security and stuff but it's not income. It's not a job. I never for sure knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had some ideas, an archaeologist, a wedding planner, but nothing for sure. I was secure in the idea that Dan would take care of me. Dan knew what he wanted to be before I even meet him. I think he always knew what he wanted to do. Basically he wanted to save the world. Practically he was going to d...

My brother in law wrote a post on face book "2016 worst year ever"  I, mostly joking, commented "who died"  He replied "Carrie Fisher". O. I hadn't heard yet.  He was also referring to the slew of 80's stars who have up and died this year. George Michael, David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Prince, just to name a few. My mother in law was slightly offended, to her 2015 was the worst year ever. 2015 is when her son died. I wholeheartedly agree with her. 2015 is when my soul mate died, there is no worse year then that. There is no comparing that to anything. Of course thats not what my brother in law intended, 2015 broke his heart too. He was just saying 2016 also sucked. Well yes, but here I may offend people, mostly because I am a selfish selfish human being. I am not affected by Carrie Fisher's death. Or any other icon that died this year. Don't get me wrong I am a child of the 80's I grew up watching Star Wars just like you. Possibly more s...

I barely remember last Christmas. I was in a total fog. I remember a few key moments like in a dream. I remember my sister gave me a very significant gift that had me burst into tears. I remember opening presents with Baby girl and NOT bursting into tears. That about does it. Two weeks ago I was feeling like this Christmas wouldn't necessarily be better this year but that my brain wasn't quite so foggy and my head would be clearer. I would totally remember this Christmas. I was actually quite proud of myself for how well I handled Thanksgiving and Dan's birthday and was expecting to be able to handle Christmas. Well I handled it, just not how I expected. On Thursday night I said "huh I think I'm getting a cold" On Friday morning my head was so stuffed up I could hardly think. I had a massive head cold. I was miserable. I laid on the couch and napped off and on. Friday night we had a Christmas party to go to. We went but I was so miserable I hardly talked t...

I saw a meme just now. Just now being 3 in the morning when i'm scrolling face book because I can't sleep. I go through phases where I randomly wake up at 3 am. It's a grief thing I guess, lots of grieving people do that I hear. But i'm getting off topic.  I wanted to share  the meme but I thought it might bother some people so hey lets blog about it instead so even more people can hear about it.  This is the meme: Now I tend to have a thing against minion meme's but that is a whole other story. I loved the sentiment in this one. Yup I just said I loved the sentiment behind hitting someone in the face with a rock.  Specifically my dead husband. It just seems so appropriate to me. If I could hit you in the face with a rock Dan  then you would know how much I miss you. Really though that is just a teeny tiny sample of how much I miss you. To have any affect at all to how it feels I would have to drop giant boulders on your head. You know like the ones in Jer...

It’s morning. I’m running late already. My biggest pet peeve is being late. Dan used to make me late for things because he procrastinated. Really he was the worst procrastinator I've ever known. I think baby girl is following his footsteps in this. Now I’m late for things because my husband is dead and I can’t get my act together and I cant get my kid together either.  So really it’s still his fault. I walk into the kitchen. My mother in law is crying.  I don't have time for this today. I have to keep it together today. I have lots to do today, I'm telling myself as I ask out loud “Are you alright”  “I’m just having a bad morning” she says through tears. My father in law notices and walks over to her and asks why as he's hugging her. My husband doesn't hug me anymore “I know why... cause Dan’s still dead” I say causally as I grab a class from the cupboard. Cause thats what I do now I guess, causally talk about my husband being dead, like it's an everyday thing ...

My grandpa hated watching war movies, he hated watching movies where people died. He hated talking about his time in WWII. He never wanted to go, he was drafted. Marching with 11 other men one day they were shot at. He's the only one who survived. I always thought WWII was so fascinating and wished he would tell me about it. I thought it was fascinating because I wasn't there. I didn't see the real thing. You know how when there's a car accident everyone slows down and looks. I don't anymore I don't want to know. I cringe when I hear an ambulance or see one go by. I just scrolled past a picture of someones husband on facebook, He was in a hospital bed, I didn't want to know why. I joined this online group specifically for people who's loved ones have died of a siezure. I read about two posts and haven't gone back. They talk about seizures way too much on there for me. I went to the grocery store the other day and there was an ambulance parked on...

I went to therapy last week. Fun times at therapy I tell you what. We were discussing what a hard time baby girl was having lately and then we got on the topic of discipline and my therapist asked "So how do you discipline baby girl?" Uhhhhhhhhhh Crappppppp. Uhhhhhhhhh Crappppppppp. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. did I say crap yet. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh Crappppppppp. Well since your my therapist and you here to help me I'm gonna tell you the truth. The truth I didn't actually realize until you just asked me this question. "uhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't think I've actually disciplined her at all since Dan died"  uhhhhhhhhhhh apparently that was 23 months ago. uhhhhhhhhh apparently I haven't disciplined my child in almost two years.  Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What a fantastic revelation. Yup Yup Yup. Uhhhhhhhh I guess I have a defense. My husband died.Pretty much everything went out the window when that happened. We are just trying to hold it together, discipline i...

Yesterday was that time of the month again. It usually puts me out of sorts for about three days.  Every month I dread these days. Yesterday was 23 months since Dan died. 1 month short of two years. How can he have been gone for that long already? It still doesn't seem real. Last night we had our support group. We did a candle lighting for our loved ones and each told a story about them. True to form Baby girl choose not to participate. But I did, my story wasn't really a story but more like a trait of Dans. I talked about how he never wore a coat. He hated wearing coats. I don't really know why. But I said how it would be freezing and I would have a giant warm coat on and Dan wouldn't have any coat on at all, how he and baby girl would go play in the snow and it was only about ten minutes before both of them had thrown their coats off.  And then I started crying, because I was talking about my husband not wearing a coat. It was one of my big pet peeves about him, I ...

Santa is bringing me new clothes for Christmas. Also a few other things. Santa started bringing me presents again last year after Dan died. Before that Dan always bought me Christmas presents. Before that I was a child and Santa brought me presents. Santa usually stops bringing you presents when you become a grown up. At least thats what we told Baby girl when she asked once. If you have a family it's ok though because your family will get you presents. Your spouse will buy you something and ideally take your child out to buy you something also. At least thats what we did. Dan was great at buying me presents. For one he always went overboard getting me several things. Furthermore he never ever bought me something I didn't love. He had very good taste. He even bought me clothes from time to time. They always fit too. Two years ago at Christmas he bought me some perfume. It was the perfume that I wore in high school. The perfume that I had on when he fell in love with me. The p...

                                                                                                             Dan playing in the snow 2002 I could imagine us today. Today was a snow day, a big storm coming in around noon. (big for the northwest, this ain't Minnesota, our snowstorms are different). I could imagine you getting up around 5 am. Me mumbling in my sleep asking what you were doing. "I'm gonna go in early so I can get home before the snow hits and play in the snow with baby girl" "No just stay home all day and come back to bed" I would tell him. "I gotta go Jennifer, I'm in charge" He would kiss me on the head and I would hear him lock the front door behind him. I would lay in our cozy bed and drift off to sl...

I feel like I haven't written as much as I usually do lately. It may be a relief to some of you then you don't have to try to keep up. I have been utterly exhausted since Thanksgiving break. By the end of the day, (which is the only time I have to write) I have actually been going to sleep. Baby girl has been needing some extra attention lately and it is exhausting for me. You see right now baby girl is mad at the world. Right now she is full of anger and rage. Why is my nine year old full of rage it's simple and so so complicated. Simple: her dad died almost two years ago and she misses him. Complicated: everything else. That one little fact makes every single thing harder, makes every single day harder. She doesn't know that is whats making life so hard and that makes it even harder. I have said before that Baby girl has what I call "grief tantrums."  A giant tantrum like you would see a two or a three year old have. Crying, screaming, kicking, throwing ...

Yesterday was Dan's birthday. He would be 38 if he were still alive. I don't know what that makes him since hes not. For 5 months hes two years older then me instead of one and I would tease him about how much older he is then me. How he's an old man now.  How I'm so young compared to him. I mean 38 is practically 40 I would have said. We might as well just say your 40 old man.  We didn't do any of that. He's not here to tease about growing old with me, or before me. Last year for his birthday I was still in a fog. (I might still be now, I really don't know). The entire family went out to dinner at his favorite restaurant Red Lobster. 25 people. The biggest birthday party Dan ever had and he wasn't even there. Then we sent him balloons with messages on them and did fire works. Dan was never really big on birthdays, A total introvert he hated parties and big crowds. Usually for his birthday we would send baby girl to grandmas and have a date day. See ...

You missed a field trip today. This would have been one you would have gone on. You would have loved it. You missed Baby girl silently crying on the bus because her feelings got hurt.  You missed me crying with her because I can't fix hurt feelings. You missed a parade. Baby girl jumping all around because she was so excited. You missed "fraudulent activity" on our bank account. If you were here I probably would have just assumed it was you buying me Christmas presents. I would have been shocked that you didn't procrastinate this year. But since I'm the only one using our bank account now it couldn't have been you. You missed laughing at me not being able to push a wheel burrow full of gravel. You missed Thanksgiving You missed tree decorating You missed bedtime for the 687th time in a row You missed the cat ripping up your moms plants You missed us moving You missed going up to play in the snow You missed munchki...