pictures of happiness

I have this picture in my wallet. I only keep two pictures in my wallet now. (gone are the days of wallet pictures) One is of Dan and I on our wedding day. The other one is of Dan and Baby girl when she was three months old.

Last time we went to grief support group the kids were supposed to bring a picture of the parent that died to hang on the wall. Baby girl being anti anything grief related did not want to participate. I was going to make her but then I forgot. So afterwards the leader was telling baby girl how she could bring a picture next time and how she would sure love to see a picture of her daddy. So I said well I have this picture in my wallet we can show you. Baby girl likes this picture because it has her favorite stuffed animal in it. The leader saw the picture and said "o my look how happy your daddy is, I bet he loved being your dad" Baby girl just smiled.

So then I was telling this story to my therapist and I showed her the picture and she said "Dan looks so happy in that picture" Yes he does, yes he was, yes we were so happy in that picture. We had long long lives in front of us. Millions of future pictures to take with our kids. This was just the beginning. Sigh, heavy, heavy sigh. "I miss Dan" I tell her "I know" she says.

Then I was tricky at baby girls play therapy and told her we should show the therapist that picture we have of her and her favorite stuffed animal that is in my wallet. She was all about that.  The therapist looked at it and pointed out the stuffed animal and then said "wow your daddy looks really happy. I bet he loved being your dad" O yes yes yes. He loved being her dad, She is his greatest accomplishment. She is our everything. Sometimes I would tease him about how he could have been a famous author by now if he didn't have me and baby girl holding him back. he would say "well ya, but I got a better gig here"  He always thought the two of us were better than any fame, fortune, or even fixing up his old truck. He wanted us.

So now I have to share said picture. You can just see the pure joy in Dan’s face as he’s looking at our 3 month old baby girl. What you can’t see is the pure joy on my face looking down at my little family as I was taking one of many many daddy daughter pictures. You also can’t see my face right now as I think about the many many many daddy daughter pictures that are left to take and we will never get.






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