Help

I have fake nails on from baby sisters wedding still. They are very pretty, but not very conducive to fixing up houses you just bought that need tons of work. I have been working on my house a lot. It's starting to get frustrating. I can't do it all by myself. I just can't. I can do a lot by myself, but it's lonely and boring, and hard. Somethings I just can't do by myself. I need help. Now for the record I am one of the lucky ones with the greatest support system of family and friends you could ever want in a crisis like the sudden death of your husband. Truly they are phenomenal. But they are not the same. Hard as they try and I know they do, and I greatly appreciate it, they are not the same as having your husband around.

It's always the little things that get you. Dan was by no means a handy man. Dan was what one would call an intellectual. Extremely smart, couldn't fix a dam thing. Baby girl is more of a handy man then he was. Sometimes he would pretend he was, but that was really just for show, he had absolutely no interest in it. I was fine with it. I like fixing stuff and making stuff,  I fixed everything in our house. If I couldn't fix it we called for help but we both knew Dan wouldn't be fixing it. I "built" everything. I didn't mind, I like that sort of thing.  One time we bought baby girl a loft bed off of craigslist, It didn't come with instructions. At midnight I was up trying to put that bed together to surprise baby girl. Dan (who was not a night person) was trying to help so we could go to bed. He says "why don't we just look up the instructions on the internet" I smiled and said "what fun would that be?" he replied "I truly think you meant that" I did, and... I got that bed together without instructions by the way.

I'm getting off track. Back to the house fixing and fancy nails. I ordered a new vanity for our bathroom. It came when I wasn't home and they put it in my driveway. Three days later it's still sitting there. I can't move it by myself. I tried, I did. I almost broke my nails off doing it. (which I'm telling you because that really really hurts, I don't care much about the nails.)  I moved it about an inch. If Dan were here, I would wait until he got home from work, we would each grab an end and the whole thing would be done and I'd have no story to write about it. That of course didn't happen. How do I move it? I have to call somebody, I have to call and ask for help for about the 8th million time since Dan died. Help for dumb small little things that are inconsequential to anyone else but want to make me cry because it's so frustrating.  Like I said I have people to help. The principal of baby girls school even offered to come help. No that's ok I said. I will call somebody. And I will, but for now it's still in the driveway.

Calling people in and of itself is an effort. First of all it drives me nuts that I am not self sufficient, that I need to call and ask for help. Between Dan and I we could get just about anything done (except cars and computers) the two of us were self sufficient together. Now I have to call people. I have no choice, I have to ask for help AGAIN. Then I go through a list in my head, lets see who can I call,.. Dad is getting up there and shouldn't lift heavy things. My new brother in law and his friend I just called yesterday to help me move the bathtub. My little sister I made come over the day before that to help me move a couch. My besties husbands? Sometimes I think my besties husbands are sorry their wives are besties with someone who has a dead husband. It's a lot of work for them. Then once you decide who to call you have to set up a convenient time where you can both meet (which is rarely the same day cause people are busy) and they drive over sometimes from 20 minutes away so they can help you for less then five minutes. Because it's impossible to do by yourself.

If Dan were here we would have done all those things by ourselves and they would be done. They are minuscule, not even worth mentioning. Not even worth a face book post. I have some padlocks that need to be cut off my fence. I borrowed some bolt cutters from my father in law. I tried to do it but I'm just not strong enough. I will need to call somebody to come and help me for less then a minute. Something Dan could have done in less then a minute. Something that is impossible for me to do by myself.  Sometimes it feels like everything is impossible for me to do by myself.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle