I Remember

I don't feel like I have anything very compelling to say today. I miss Dan. Is that compelling enough? So I thought I would read some of his writings. There are so many. Poems, stories, essays, blog posts, academic papers, half written stories he never got finished. One year for my birthday he wrote me a book of poems all about our two cats. In my view he was the greatest writer there ever was. I loved his stories, I don't know anyone that didn't but I know many people who never got to hear them. He wasn't big on making a show of himself or boasting and although he always wanted to publish something, he never got to. I could easily get lost in his stories and until we had baby girl he would tell me a story almost every night. Then he started telling them to her and thus gearing them to her. They were still magnificent stories, his imagination was always going.

Today I'm going to share one of his love stories. Or rather a love poem. A poem to me. This is how he purposed to me. He took me to a very fancy dinner over looking the city. Then we went for a walk in the park. We sat on a bench and he read me this poem. At the end he got down on one knee (which was very hard for him because he was recovering from knee surgery, but he wanted to do it right) took out a diamond ring and asked me to marry him.  As Dan likes to re- tale it "And then she DIDN'T say yes" really what happened is I was so surprised my voice wouldn't come out of my mouth. I shook my head yes but he apparently didn't see that. I did say yes a few seconds later when my voice caught up to my heart.

I framed the poem and it has hung in our bedroom ever since our wedding day. I know it won't mean as much to you as it does to me. There are things in there only Dan and I understand, and now only me because he is gone. But this, this is the beginning of our love story. I wish I had a poem about the 15 years after this. It would be epic.

do you remember my love,

the way i looked at you-

the way it felt when we were near;

the things we would say, the things we would do

when no one could see or hear?

a special closeness we had,

for more than friends were we

for all the hoping and praying i did

i never thought it would be-

i would kiss you on the forehead or cheek

and then quickly walk away,

for i could not bring my heart to speak

and say what it was longing to say;

oh my love, how i wanted you then!

even as i do right now,

but i knew that i was undeserving

i just couldn’t comprehend how-

how I could be with you,

someone of such beauty and grace,

with loveliness of heart and soul,

that shown upon your face;

or how you could ever think of me

for i never knew you did,

whatever thoughts of us you had,

my love you kept them well hid;

do you remember my love,

the day that all was through,

the day my life began

because it started again with you?

oh how the anxiety filled me!

my heart was pounding so fast,

for the day had finally come

to be with you at last.

i felt it so strong inside my soul,

i know you felt it too;

the love that was burning inside of me,

it was time to share with you.

with your hand locked inside of mine,

and your head against my chest,

i said the best that i could then

and you figured out the rest;

a single rose to signify

this journey we had started,

an adventure of our hearts and souls

powered by the love that was there imparted.

do you remember my love ,

how we sat there together that night,

and the stars that shine within your eyes

provided our only light?

do you remember what you said to me?

words that are ever true,

and how i responded just the same-

my darling, i love you!

that night it was reaffirmed again

what i had confessed from my heart,

as i have told you many times

you were an angel from the start.

a miracle done just for me,

my angel from above!

sent because God knew, as did we,

that we form a perfect love;

for no one has loved me as you have,

or understood me as you do,

and even these words can not describe

the way i feel for you.

do you remember my love,

all those moments in between?

may we never forget my precious jewel,

how much the little things mean;

a waltz in the parking lot

of a restaurant late at night,

a homemade dinner to soothe a long day

shared by candlelight;

the smell of your perfume,

an overwhelming kiss,

life is fully lived

in moments such as this.

sharing a night alone

with only you and me,

surprising you with a purple rose

to bring the smile i love to see;

sharing a warm embrace,

you are my shelter from it all,

standing beside me all the way

whether i stand or fall.

may i be this for you too, my love,

your protector and best friend;

i hope you know that i will be with you

through everything and to the end.

do you see how much i love you,

with everything inside of me?

all that i am and have

my love, i give to thee.

I will protect you with my very life,

or down upon my knees,

climb the highest mountain,

or cross the raging seas-

any pain that was or will come,

i will bear it all inside of me;

and i would do it all a thousand times again

oh my love, I hope you see.

these horrible words, they fail me!

for you transcend every line;

it means the entire world to me

and even more, for you are mine.

we were created not as separate lives,

but the two who shall become one;

completing this great miracle

that the lord above has begun.

will you remember my love,

this day in many years,

how i sat beside you

and held back these tears?

just long enough to run my fingers

though your long and flowing hair,

to kiss your cheek and take your hand,

and try somehow to prepare;

looking in your eyes

i try to say all you’ve meant to me,

and with a silent prayer

i drop upon one knee-

i’m trying so hard to find the words,

my love, you’ve changed my life.

may i share it with you forever, my love,

together as man and wife?

October 7, 1998

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle