Love, true Love.

Baby sister got married on Sunday. AHHHHHHHHHH. It was beautiful. It was in the rain and nobody cared because it was so beautiful. Dan missed it.

I went to therapy today and was telling my therapist how I haven't even had time to process Dan missing the wedding because I have been so busy doing "wedding stuff", She asked me if I had blogged about it yet. Of course not, I haven't had time. hmmmmm, she said, Apparently she thinks my blogging helps me process stuff. Which is likely why it's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. So lets blog about a wedding so I can get back to bed.

Baby sister got married, her new husband is just about perfect. The family is still trying to find some sort of flaw and we haven't been able to. They are so in love and so cute together that it's disgusting. I'm told that's how Dan and I were too. The wedding was so beautiful, everything was perfect, except that one thing that is never right, Dan wasn't there.

Dan always called baby sister munchkin. She was only 8 when he met her and the size of a munchkin. She grew, but really not much, very petite, the name munchkin stuck even into adulthood.  From playing with her as a little girl, to taking her out on driving lessons, to giving boyfriends the stink eye, to saying this one was a keeper. He was always there for her, they had a special bond.

I want to scream, fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Dan. You weren't there. How could you do this to her. How could you do this to me. Damit Dan don't you know you were supposed to be there. Don't you remember you had a deal, you were going to marry them. Don't you know I count on you to help me decorate, and move boxes, and distract baby girl so I can do stuff. Don't you know I wanted your arms around me while we watched them have their first dance. Don't you know I was waiting for you to whisper in my ear "marry me Jennifer" Like you have at every wedding we've ever been to, a little nod that you wanted to do it all over again with me. Don't you know I wanted you to make me dance with you. You were supposed to be there. How could you miss such an important day in this family.

It was as perfect as it could be without Dan. Baby sister wanted him there as much as I did and she made him there, and it was remarkably nice and gave me some peace.

Baby sister wanted to spread some ashes in her wedding dress. She wanted him at her wedding. So baby sister, fiance, and I snuck off with the photographer. I poured some ashes into each of their hands and they stood on a bridge across a stream and let his ashes go. They floated down the stream to where the wedding would be held. Like every time we have spread his ashes a strange feeling of peace came over me and I felt closer to him. Almost like he was there but not. Then fiance sang a little song that went "I've got you in the palm of my hand Dan" and we all laughed. I am pretty sure we totally wierded the photographer out but that's her problem not ours.

I spent the rest of the day holding his little jar of ashes (which my other sister had decorated with a paper tie so he would be appropriately
dressed for the wedding.) He was in all the family photos, although I don't think you can see him in there since he was in my hand. Even I thought it would be a little strange to set him on my sisters shoulder.

His antique glass bottle collection was part of the center pieces at the reception (someday I will tell you the story of how he came home with a truckload of antique bottles).

My brothers and brother in laws have started a tradition of tasting different types of whiskey at family functions. Since Dan died they have been leaving a shot out for him, which is appropriate because he hated whiskey and wouldn't have drank it anyway, but would have waned to be included. They did this at the wedding. Didn't say anything about it just went off to the side and did it. They miss Dan too. Sometimes my brothers are awesome.

Dan was supposed to officiate the wedding, I was a bridesmaid, baby girl was the flower girl (which she rocked by the way) We were all supposed to be up there on her wedding day. Dan couldn't officiate because hes dead. They found someone else and he did a really nice job, but I wonder what Dan would have said. Told stories about when she was little, talk about the first time he met fiance, made us laugh always, but then he would have said something sweet about how their love will last forever. I can't think of exactly what he would say because he was so much better with words then I am. He would make it all flow beautifully like poetry, all meld together as one. He was really good at that.

Baby sister knew it wasn't right that Dan wasn't up there with the rest of us. So she made him up there. She wanted Dan at her wedding and she was going to make it happen. She took the jar of ashes and held it in her hand next to her bouquet when she walked down the aisle, Our dad and Dan walked baby sister down the aisle on her wedding day. It was the next best thing to having him there. When she got to the front Dan's ashes were passed to me and I held him there through the rest of the wedding.

At the reception he sat on the table next to me, quite, but there.

Baby sisters wedding without Dan was hard and sad and I missed him immensely. But I was also happy, so happy for baby sister and new husband. Happy to see friends and family. Happy to all celebrate together. I laughed and laughed. I had a good time. It was really impossible not to with all the happiness oozing everywhere. This is the thing about grief, you can be happy and grieve. You can smile and mean it even while you miss your husband. Happiness without him is also a part of grief. It doesn't mean the griefs gone, it just means you can do both, you can have both, over the moon happy for your baby sister and missing Dan. That is life, people are complex.

 I wish them a love like Dan and I have, and I know they will get it.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle