Focus

Today has been one of those days where I just can't focus on anything. Like anything. I walk into a room and don't know why. I go to grab stuff and forget what it was. I don't remember what I was doing. I work on something for ten minutes and then start a new project, and then ten minutes later I start a new one. I feel like I can't even focus while writing this.

We are moving (in case you haven't heard) our new house is a fixer and so we are fixing before we move in. My brother in law is helping me by doing most of the carpentry work. I wander around the house and say " ya I want to do this" and then a minute later just stop that train of thought and find a new one. here's an example: "See that hole in the wall, that needs to be patched, o we need to sand the floors, but wait what color are we going to pant the bathroom." I's like I can't have a complete thought.

You may say "Ya I hear you, everyone has days like that from time to time. But what does that have o do with grief?" Well for me everything. Everything is related to grief, even lack of focus I feel like lack of focus and incomplete thoughts is all I do anymore. That's not me. At least that didn't used to be me. In the before (as in before my husband died suddenly for no reason what so ever) I was the most organized person I knew. I kept me, and Dan, and baby girl all organized. I could find a paper Dan had put in a stack of papers months before. I always knew where baby girls shoes where and her favorite shirt. I always knew what things we had planned for what day. Not in the after (as in after my husband died suddenly for no reason what so ever) In the after I can't remember the two things I went to the grocery store for, even if I write them down. In the after I can't find anything . I can't remember anything. It is extremely frustrating, it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. I bought something on line today and I typed in the wrong zip code. I can't even remember my zip code today. Perhaps I should have taken a nap.

So I was telling all this to my friend today and how its so strange because one wouldn't think its related to grief but it is. Now she is a beautiful soul and she gets it. She said "of course its related" then she proceeded to tell me how. We had a wonderful conversation about how I am being pulled in all different directions and I'm trying to do everything. In the before I only had to do half of everything.  Dan was very much half of me and half of us. Generally I love working on projects and making things. Being an extreme J personality I was great at completing projects in a timely manner.  But really I was only getting them done because Dan was helping me. If not on the project itself he was making dinner, or taking care of baby girl, or picking up the house. Leaving me free to not worry about those things and just complete the task at hand.  I don't  have that anymore.  In the after I have to do it. I can't concentrate on just one thing. Dan's not here to do the other things for me. My brain now has to think about thousands of things instead of just hundreds. Its brain overload, it can't concentrate, therefore you only focus on something for a minute then the focus changes. But the first thing isn't done so you go back to it. But now the second thing isn't done and o look here's a third thing. 

Did any of that make any sense? And now I'm stopping in the middle because I can't focus enough to remember what I wanted to say. Or what my point was. But I had a point, really I did. I think

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle