Dreams





Wow my titles are very original. I'll work on that. I had a dream about Dan the other day. I don't dream hardly ever, Well, I guess I should say I don't hardly ever remember my dreams. I guess you always dream. This is only about the 4th dream of Dan I've had since he died. 4 dreams in 21 months of missing him more then is describable. I'm certain I had more dreams about him when he was alive.

The other night when I dreamt about him it was a sequence of three dreams. They were all mostly the same. I was at a big giant party. All my family and Dan's family were there, siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. All our friends were there. Every one we had ever known, high school friends, college friends, church friends, work friends. There were 300 people at least. It was a big room with lots of windows and the sun shinning in.

In the first dream, I was just standing around talking to people when everybody started clapping and cheering. I looked and Dan was coming out from around the corner. They were making a path for him straight toward me. I saw him and fainted. I fainted in my dream. When I opened my eyes after fainting I was laying on the ground and Dan was leaning over me smiling with a twinkle in his eye.  mischievous grin on his face like he was saying "ha ha Jennifer I tricked you good that time" Then the dream ended before either of us talked.

In the second dream, the set up is all the same. Again I was standing around talking, when everyone started clapping and cheering as Dan came into view. I saw him and ran straight toward him. I jumped into his arms like I used to when we were in high school and we started kissing. We kissed and kissed, ignoring everyone around us. Like in a movie where the focus is only on the main couple and everything else blurs out. I could have kissed him forever but that dream ended.

In the third dream again the set up was the same. I was talking to people when Dan came around a corner. They all clapped and cheered as he walked toward me.  I didn't faint. I didn't jump into his arms and kiss him. I started yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs. Everyone else went silent and it was just me yelling. Dan was cautiously walking toward me. He was trying to calm me down but I couldn't hear what he was saying because my own screaming was too loud. "No it's not you...your lying...this is someone else...it's not Dan...your lying...you can't be Dan....Dans not here... Dan died, he died, your not Dan" then that dream ended as well.

Crazy, deep, messed up. Yup it was. I told my therapist about it and she of course said "well what do you think it means" uhhhhhhhhh. I miss Dan. I wish he were here. I still can't believe hes dead. Man, how I wish it was all just a big trick. "what one did you like the best?" The second one duh. In the second one I could feel overwhelming happiness. My heavy heart lifted. The world was right again, just for an instant. What does it mean? Well prat of me goes it's just a dream, dreams don't really mean anything. Yet I can see everything in this dream, how I'm still am in just total shock that, he's not here. How I wish with all my being that he would just hold me and kiss me again. How (I guess) it's starting to sink in, that now even in my dreams I realize he's dead.

Truly there is no word in this world that can accurately describe how much I miss him.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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