Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

I woke up this morning with a start. I had just had a dream about my husband Dan.  In the dream Dan and I were driving from Portland to Boise. Its about an 8 hour drive which we do regularly because we have friends there. Dan was dead, but that didn't seem to matter, he's been dead for almost five years. He was dead but not dead, like in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, when they tell the story of the three brothers. One of the brothers was given a stone that could bring back the dead, so he brought back his dead love. She was there but wasn't there, a shadow of her old self, not right. That was Dan in my dream. There but not there, more like a shadow or a transparency, I could see through him. He didn't talk, not one word, he wasn't mad or anything, he just wasn't all the way there, he was a ghost. I didn't want to go on the trip to Boise, I knew I would miss my boyfriend Justin, that I've had for a year and a half. I called Justin right in ...

As I was waking up the other day I did what most Americans do; grabbed my phone and laid in bed to look at Facebook. I had a notification from my sister. It said “YOU SUCK DAN STULTS” and then had a link to the song called HERE  by L ukas Graham  which you can listen to HERE . But be prepared to cry. I did. It’s about missing someone and having them still here with you all at the same time. Gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh it was a fantastic and horrible thing to wake up to.  Song lines in italics Everyday finds a way to make me think about you... Every day, every hour, every minute. I never stop thinking about you Dan. there is always something I want to tell you about or show you. Something you would like, something you would be livid about. I want to introduce you to new friends I've made. I want to ask your advice really bad, you always had the answers. I can't believe it's been so long... It's nearing five years, how? How have any of us possibly lived this lon...

I went over to my boyfriend Justin's house the other day. I was feeling a bit out of sorts that day but I couldn't put my finger on why. he looked at me "You feeling ok baby?" he asked, "ya I guess, my head kinda hurts though." That was all, I had had a slight headache since about 2. I sat down on the couch and started to watch his kids play. For no reason what so ever my eyes started to get blurry with tears. Then they started to drip down my face, just because. Justin sat down next to me, "hey hey hey whats wrong sweetheart" "Nothing." I say, cause nothing was wrong. "I just, I don't know whats wrong with me." I sobbed as I buried my head in his chest. Sometimes I think he knows me better then I know myself, Dan was like that too. he put his arms around me, "Is it Dan and the holidays coming up?" I hadn't thought about it until he said it but ya thats exactly what it was. I cried harder. Ya thats def...

My dad was over for dinner last night, Baby Girl was in the bathroom and my dad asks "So hows Jr. High going?" My Boyfriend Justin groaned, I groaned and then replied "Terrible"  "No really" he looked at me, "It can't be that bad?" uuuuuuggggggggg "Ya, ya dad, it is that bad" When Dan died Baby Girl was left with what I consider very high anxiety, its the main way her grief comes out, in fear of the unknown, which then comes out in anger and rage. We went through years of therapy to get to a point which I would consider manageable , meaning she can leave the house without crying that her tummy hurts, meaning she's ok when mommy goes out without her, I'm pretty sure she even mostly thinks I will come back. Thats not to say she doesn't have her moments, one step forward, two steps back is what people say. Change inevitably creates anxiety for Baby Girl. If you read my last post you will know that Baby Girls ...

I haven't blogged in a really long time, like really long. I got a job, and a boyfriend, and well I've always had a kid. Turns out all those things make me incredibly busy so I don't have as much time to write like I want. But this morning I had a brilliant idea, I can write on my lunch break, so hopefully you will see more blogs soon. Thus let me refresh your memory, or if perhaps your reading this blog for the very first time; here's what you missed; 4 years and 10 months ago. January 12, 2015 to be exact, my husband had a siezure and dropped dead in front of me. It wasn't much fun, in fact you could say it was extremely traumatic, ya lets go with that one. Also in case you didn't know, I was a whopping 34 years old, Dan had just turned 36, and we had a 7 year old daughter named Baby Girl (ok thats not her real name, but I'm gonna pretend to protect her identity just a little). To add fuel to the fire, we were high school sweethearts, soul mates, madly...

So I am a member of several online grief groups.  I love and adore them. They truly helped me in this horrible nightmare. I am part of a group for all grievers of all kinds. I am part of several widows only groups, widowed with kids group, young widows group. I love them all. They have some very specific rules, grief groups, the main one is; you have to be in the club. The suckiest club that no one wants to join, you have to have lost a loved one. For my widow groups you have to have lost a life partner, hey I qualify, yay me. No, no yay me.  The second main rule that most of them have is no soliciting or advertising. This makes sense of course you don't want everyone posting about their MLM in a group thats talking about grief. It doesn't fit, it doesn't belong there. So I wrote a book, a book about my grief, I'm told it's a pretty good book.  I self published it, which means I have to do all the advertising and promotion myself. What better place to tell eve...

Sometimes I think I should be over it by now, that I should move on and all that garbage people say. Then I remember thats exactly what it is: GARBAGE. Lets recap: My husband and soul mate dropped dead in front of me. In seconds he was gone and I was all alone, my heart ripped from my chest and smashed into a trillion pieces. Did I mention he was only 36, that I was only 34, or that our daughter was only 7? There is no getting over that! It's been 4 1/2 years. I'm not over it.  I suppose you could say it's better, but better isn't the right word. A lot of people have compared it to losing a leg, your leg is always going to be gone, but in time you learn how to compensate for the giant piece of you thats missing, you learn to carry on. It still hurts, it's still wrong, it will never be ok, but it is what it is so you keep going. I kept going, I had no choice but to keep going, I had a daughter to take care of (her dad was no longer any help) Eventually, I start...

I remember signing her up for kindergarten, I hadn't been in an elementary school since I had gone to one. There wasn't one or two big chunky apple computers with green type in the library anymore. They had a whole technology room with more advanced mac books then I had at home (I didn't even have a mac).  I was intimidated, I felt like I was in kindergarten myself, was I really going to send my small sweet child here everyday. I don't know these people. "The easiest way to know what goes on at school is to join the PTA" one of the moms helping with registration told me. So I did, because I wanted to know what was going on in my daughters school. I volunteered in her classroom and went on every field trip. I knew all the codes to the copy machine and the secretary trusted me to use the laminator by myself. Quickly we both got the hang of this school thing. quickly we fell in love with our small community school. In second grade we got the golden teacher ...

I dropped Baby Girl off at school this morning and talked to her teacher for a minute. Her teacher mentioned a paper baby Girl wrote that was very well done, "she takes after you" the teacher said. I replied "No No No she gets that from her dad" "Well maybe she gets it from both of you"  ummmmmmmmmmmmmm I let it go but No No No she gets it from her dad.   I've been going through his papers some more, I came across this one he wrote his Jr. year of high school.  I'm not sure what the exact assignment was but I do know this goes above and beyond because nobody in 11th grade writes a 11 page poem. Unless your name is Dan. Dan did because Dan could, because he was a phenomenal writer. I wanted to share his poem with you just because I am so blown away by it. This is what Dan said about his poem: “I’m kinda proud of the fact that I wrote this all in one sitting because it’s almost twelve pages long of poetry, all one ...

So I am a huge Hamilton fan. I think most of America is a huge Hamilton fan, I only know three people personally who are not Hamilton fans; my dad who says they sing so fast you can't understand anything, he's old I guess. One of my besties who is pretty oblivious to the whole Broadway musical thing and said I shouldn't name my chapters after Hamilton lines because nobody would get it, she also doesn't like hiking, shes an anomaly. The last one is Dan; Dan was not a Hamilton fan, rather I don't think Hamilton had come out before Dan died, if it had it was so new that we hadn't heard of it yet. Dan never got to experience the greatness that is Hamilton. That's what you get for dying Dan. I know though that Dan would have loved Hamilton, had he been exposed to it. Dan and Hamilton have a lot in common; well Dan wasn't one of the founding fathers of the United States but they did both die prematurely and they both wrote "like you need it to survive...

I am going to admit I don't really know much about Christina Applegate, She's an actress, I know that. What I remember her most in is the sitcom Married with Children where she played a rebellious teenager who wore questionable clothing. I used to watch that show all the time when I was a kid, I don't really know why, probably because my older brothers watched it, I bet they watched it for Christina Applegate. I'm sure she has been in other stuff since then, I couldn't tell you what it is. Then this month I found a new hero.  I was in love before I ever saw the first episode of Dead to Me, I was hooked with the first commercial I saw for it. Why? Because she is exactly like me, she even has my name Jen.  In the show Dead to me Christina Applegate plays Jen. Jen is about 40 give or take, she has a 14 year old and a 10 year old.  Jen's husband died suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of the night. Yup I can relate to that. The opening scene is a neighbor...