Cheating on Ghosts


I woke up this morning with a start. I had just had a dream about my husband Dan.  In the dream Dan and I were driving from Portland to Boise. Its about an 8 hour drive which we do regularly because we have friends there. Dan was dead, but that didn't seem to matter, he's been dead for almost five years.

He was dead but not dead, like in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, when they tell the story of the three brothers. One of the brothers was given a stone that could bring back the dead, so he brought back his dead love. She was there but wasn't there, a shadow of her old self, not right. That was Dan in my dream. There but not there, more like a shadow or a transparency, I could see through him. He didn't talk, not one word, he wasn't mad or anything, he just wasn't all the way there, he was a ghost.

I didn't want to go on the trip to Boise, I knew I would miss my boyfriend Justin, that I've had for a year and a half. I called Justin right in front of Dan. "I'm going to miss you so much, I wish you could come too, I love you" he calmly said "I know but it's ok, I'll be here when you get back, go spend time with your husband"  Yes I want to spend time with my husband so bad, it's been so long since I've seen him but I want to spend time with Justin too. Why can't we just all go together.

What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm in love with two people. Dan is my soul mate, my true love, we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, all my love, all my life. Then he died, just up and died. Eventually I found Justin, whom I love more then I thought was possible, I was certain I would never be in love again, but here I am.

We never made it to Boise in my dream. It was all about the driving. Long hours of Dan and I in the car. I was talking, telling him about everything he's missed. He didn't say anything, I guess he's not aloud to tell me about Heaven.  He just watched me, and listened, nodded his head a few times. Every so often I would call Justin. See what he's up to, tell him I missed him, I loved him. Dan didn't mind, of course he was in a non talking mood so he wouldn't have said anything even if he did mind.

So who am I cheating on Justin Or Dan. It does feel like I'm cheating on Dan, like I've left him and found another, and it's not right. But in this dream I had it felt more like I was cheating on Justin, like I was leaving someone who is such a huge part of my life now for someone else, and that felt wrong too. The answer is neither though I don't exactly know why. If Dan where alive it would definitely be cheating. But he's not. Death makes all the difference I guess. If Dan were alive I would never have gone looking for Justin. I was so happy with Dan, I never wanted anything else. I am so happy with Justin, I don't want anything else.

A couple months ago I went over to Justin's house. He was just finishing watching the movie Cast Away. So I sat down and watched the end with him. You know the movie Cast Away. Tom Hanks gets lost on a island by himself for like four years. There's a volley ball named Wilson.  He has a picture of his true love and trying to get back to her is what keeps him going.  When he does get back to her, he found she has "moved on" (FYI widows hate that phrase with a passion, don't ever say it to them) This is the scene I walked in on. They are meeting for the first time again and he finds out she is remarried and even has a kid. He's devastated of course, but thats not what I picked up on. SHE was devastated, she didn't know what to do. She was in love with both of them "I thought you were dead," she says crying, "I thought you were dead."  I started sobbing and I buried my head in Justin's shoulder. "I can't, I can't, I can't." I was crying so much he had to turn the movie off and tell me to breathe slowly. I felt so hard what she was feeling, it hurt so much, I knew that pull between someone you will always love, and someone new you have found to love again. I suppose the difference is Dan isn't missing at sea and presumed dead, Dan is dead for real, I saw it happen.

It hurts me to say this, sometimes the truth hurts. When I started dating Justin I was of the mindset that he was a great guy, but if Dan ever magically came back from the dead, I would dump him in a heart beat, because I love Dan more. Because I will always choose Dan. Some where and I'm not sure where, that changed. Now I don't know what I would do. I don't know. Again it feels like I'm cheating on Dan and I'm cheating on Justin at the same time. The funny thing is I know both of them get it. I know they would both understand. Because they are both the most wonderful men I have ever meet. Dan would want me to be happy again. Dan would really like Justin, Dan loves me. Justin would bow out for Dan, he has told me as much, because he knows how much I love him and he would want me to be happy. I feel torn in the middle, how does one deal with that? Maybe I should go back to therapy?

Check out the book I wrote about my grief journey. You can get it HERE

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