HERE

As I was waking up the other day I did what most Americans do; grabbed my phone and laid in bed to look at Facebook. I had a notification from my sister. It said “YOU SUCK DAN STULTS” and then had a link to the song called HERE  by Lukas Graham which you can listen to HERE. But be prepared to cry. I did. It’s about missing someone and having them still here with you all at the same time. Gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh it was a fantastic and horrible thing to wake up to. 

Song lines in italics

Everyday finds a way to make me think about you... Every day, every hour, every minute. I never stop thinking about you Dan. there is always something I want to tell you about or show you. Something you would like, something you would be livid about. I want to introduce you to new friends I've made. I want to ask your advice really bad, you always had the answers.

I can't believe it's been so long... It's nearing five years, how? How have any of us possibly lived this long without you? How is this ok? It's not, it feels like a blink of an eye and it feels like decades and it feels like five years. Didn't I just talk to you yesterday? Weren't we having that conversation about taking vacation in March? You were going to see if you could get off work. Yes I'm sure we just had that conversation yesterday. It's been eons since iv'e felt your skin.

Oh, we miss you like hell... I miss you like hell, so so so much. As much as I loved you is as much as I miss you. Every cell in me loved you and every cell in me misses you. What could be worse then hell? Missing you, it is hell.

All the stories that you'd tell...Dan Stults was the king of telling stories, true and fiction, he knew how to tell a story. There's the adventures of the two princesses that he told Baby Girl about at bedtime. Mic Rac the stuffed animal who is a Dr of sleepology. There's the true story of how he saved a naked chick at the pool. The one about how he almost got washed out to sea. The children's story all written in poem about Perky the ungrateful Turkey.  That time we got trapped by the sea lion. I can remember so many times sitting at his parents house with everyone laughing our heads off at the stories he would tell.

I don't know whether I should cry or I should smile through my tears...I told my therapist once that the day I could think about Dan and smile without being sad is the day I would be "healed"  she told me that was likely to never happen, ya I figured. But I do smile when I think of you Dan, I smile through my tears. I just watched a video of you and Baby Girl dancing and singing. It made me smile, it made me cry. Both, You do both, I'm so sad I lost you and so happy I had you.

Those years lost, I'd tell you all about 'em... Dan! I have so much to tell you Dan! You've missed everything! Grandma died, Minna got married, Your Baby Girl was the cutest flower Girl ever. 5,000 babies have been born. We moved, we moved again. We went to Disneyland without you, twice. We were so heartbroken we couldn't breathe, we laughed so hard we couldn't catch our breathe. I got a boyfriend, I found out I could love someone again, I was certain that wasn't possible, I want you to meet him, you would really really like him. Your Dad died, thats been a hard one for us all down here, we sure needed you then,

I can't believe you're really gone... Will the shock ever be gone? Will I ever wake up and think, ya this is how it's supposed to be? Because I still wake up and say, this isn't right, this isn't how my life goes, this isn't what happens to me. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I still can't believe your gone.

Wild and free, I've got so many memories... I tried to tame you, but I never could. You used to say you only believed in good rules, not ones that had no purpose, well no purpose according to you. All those do not enter signs, don't go this way signs, you didn't believe in those, they didn't apply to you. You didn't believe in doing things just cause people said to or just cause they'd always been done that way. I have so many memories, I'm trying to write them all down but it may be impossible. Theres the time you slide down a snow hill on a shovel. The time you rode on the back of a camel, you were worried we might not have kids after that, but we did. When we literally walked up hill both ways in Israel.

I just wish you could know that's when we're missin' you the most...Can you see us Dan? Can you see how much we miss you and wish you were here? I always wonder what your doing up there. Can you see how much we miss you and need you? Can you see how were finding hapiness in spite of everything? I wish I knew what you knew.

'Bout the boat that you built, but never got to sail. But if you were here we would
Sail that boat into the red horizon...My sister said all we needed to do was switch that boat into that old red truck thats still sitting in the driveway.  Dan's old red truck that was his fathers and before that his grandfathers. Dan got it working for about a month once before it broke again. He always talked about how he was gonna fix it up and go on adventures. I still have it, can't get rid of it. If you were here Dan we would take that old truck to Oklahoma, where it originated and meet all your relatives you always wanted to.

But if you were here we would...Run away to Europe? Take Baby Girl to Harry Potter land? Buy a house out in the country where we would grow old together? Crash a plane into our barn upside down? Slow dance in a parking lot at midnight. So many things we never got around to. We had too many round to its. Ride off into the sunset in your red truck, thats what we would do.

Soon time too will take it all of 'em (memories) from me...Thats my biggest fear, that people won't remember what an amazing person you were Dan. That I will forget the intimate things about you, like how your hand fit perfectly on my hip, how your allergies were so bad you sniffled like every second all year long. How you had the longest eyelashes I've ever seen on anyone. Most of all though I'm worried that Baby Girl won't remember how crazy and wild you were, how caring and loving. I guess she remembers some because when I asked her what I thought you were up to the other day she replied "probably sticking pencils in God's beard" I'm sure she was right, thats exactly something you would do.

Gone don't always mean that you disappear Cause inside all of us you're still here...I see a part of you in so many people Dan. I like hearing my boss rage about transubstantiation, it reminds me of you. One day Justin asked "how are the pigs"  (a phrase Dan used to say all the time to his mom) and your mom and I just about cried.  My sister is quite the Lorax these days. Your mom has two tattoos, TWO and she wants a third one. Baby Girl has and always will be 99.9% you. Everything she does reminds me of you. 

Yesterday was Dan's birthday. He's supposed to be 41. We went out to dinner with his mom and told stories about him.  I miss him like hell, Inside of us hes still here.

Hey I wrote a book about my grief. You can get it HERE