When you miss your dead husband so much you can't breathe, you call your new boyfriend

Sometimes I think I should be over it by now, that I should move on and all that garbage people say. Then I remember thats exactly what it is: GARBAGE. Lets recap: My husband and soul mate dropped dead in front of me. In seconds he was gone and I was all alone, my heart ripped from my chest and smashed into a trillion pieces. Did I mention he was only 36, that I was only 34, or that our daughter was only 7? There is no getting over that! It's been 4 1/2 years. I'm not over it.  I suppose you could say it's better, but better isn't the right word. A lot of people have compared it to losing a leg, your leg is always going to be gone, but in time you learn how to compensate for the giant piece of you thats missing, you learn to carry on. It still hurts, it's still wrong, it will never be ok, but it is what it is so you keep going.

I kept going, I had no choice but to keep going, I had a daughter to take care of (her dad was no longer any help) Eventually, I started dating, I got lucky again and found the most amazing man named Justin.

A few weeks ago Baby Girl (who is now 12) and I were at church camp. We go every year. Dan used to go every year until he died. Dan was a huge huge part of our church camp. It's always hard at camp because there are so many "Dan should be here" moments, like when were all singing at the staff morning worship and I look over for him but he's not there, he should be there. I lost count of how many times I flipped my dead husband off after the first day.

This year Baby Girl had a group leader who had never meet Dan, but of course he had heard our story. After camp fire one night he came up to me, he wanted to tell me a sweet little story about Baby Girl. The story was about another little girl who was upset over something and how Baby Girl was so caring and kind and was comforting the upset friend. He then says, "You know Baby Girl has such a big heart, but she keeps it so closed off, she only lets it out a very little bit at a time. She has this big wall like shes trying to protect herself from being hurt." Well he hit that right on the head, didn't he. Ya Baby Girl has a huge heart, she is the product of true love, her heart couldn't be any bigger. The thing she loved most in the world, her daddy; died, no warning, no goodbye, just gone forever, in its place she put up a wall to protect her big little heart. I replied to her leader, "yes well she has a good reason at least, doesn't she?" He agreed and then said goodnight and walked away.

I lingered around the campfire, I didn't have anywhere to go, I didn't really want to leave.  The stars were stunning way out in the mountains, so I laid down on a bench so I could look at them. I know that Dan is in heaven, I know he is having a great time kicking it with Jesus (let's just flip him off for that one). I don't know that he can see us, I just don't know. At that moment as I lay on a hard wooden bench, starring at the exquisite stars, I had one thought: "God dammit Dan, you're supposed to be here" 

This is all his fault, Baby Girl wouldn't have a big giant wall around her heart if he hadn't put it there by dying. Her big heart would be open to everybody, just like her daddy's was. She would be helping people left and right just like her daddy did. She is just like you Dan. I was listening to the conversation on grief the other day with Anderson Cooper and Stephen Colbert. In it Anderson Cooper says he feels like he is a different person then he was meant to to be because his dad died when he was ten.  This is my Baby Girl, she is a different person then she was meant to be. She wasn't meant to have a giant guarded wall around her heart. She was such  big caring heart. I wish you could see her Dan, I wish you could see the beautiful soul your Baby Girl has, you put that soul in her. I wish we could both see the proud look on your face when you see how much she's grown.

All these thoughts went through my head in a matter of seconds. This rush came over me and all of a sudden I was sobbing uncontrollable tears. I miss Dan, I wanted Dan right in that second, wanted him so bad I couldn't breathe. I wanted him to put his arm around me and tell me it would be ok. I wanted him to tell me Baby Girl would be ok, that I'm doing a good job with her, that the wall around her heart will come down, that she can still be the person she was meant to be. Dan, Dan you are supposed to be here. This is your church camp, where are you? I can't breathe.

I'm sobbing so hard, I can't catch my breathe. I can't control the tears, I can't calm down. I need help. My first thought was to call Justin, Justin would help me calm down I knew he could.  Funny thing about being at church camp out in the middle of the mountains, reception is spotty. I walked down the trail sobbing, trying to catch my breathe, until I get a signal. I try to sound casual, knowing I would fail. "Hi!" By this time it is at least 11 at night. He knows something is wrong, he can here it in my voice, he can sense it through the phone, "Whats wrong baby? What happened? Are you ok?"  I said the only thing I could say, the absolute truth. "I MISS DAN" and I can't breathe again. "O baby of course you do, of course you do. Breathe sweet heart just breathe"

He's told me that before, because this isn't the first time I've cried with him so much that I can't breathe because I miss my dead husband. I'm sure it wont be the last time. "Stay with me, we'll just breathe" it's a line from a Willie Nelson song, he sings it to me. He breathes with me over the phone, 3 hours away, until I can breathe again. He talks to me, I tell him the story about Baby Girl and I tell him how much I miss Dan. He listens, he calms me. We talk until I am feeling better, we talk until I am laughing. We say goodnight.

I walk back to my cabin and my roommate asks where I've been.  She can see my face is red and stained with tears. She can see my hair is a wild mess. I tell her what happened and say, "You know cause thats what you do when you miss your dead husband, you call your new boyfriend and cry to him, cause that's perfectly normal, isn't that what everyone does?" She seemed to think it was perfectly logical.


Hey I wrote a book about my grief. Check it out. Carry on Castle