Too young to die


                                                                                                     Dan and I, high school prom


A girl I went to high school with died today from cancer. She's married and has two little kids.  I haven't talked to her in almost 20 years.  Yet her death is affecting me. To me she's still so young. Just like I knew her in high school. Vibrant and full of energy. Too young to die. I believe she was 35.

 I can fully imagine what her spouse and other family members are going through right now. Because now I have a clue, it's not the same, but I have a clue. In the before you truly have no clue. One of my favorite lines is from Lemony Snickets A Series of Unfortunate Events "If you have ever lost a loved one then you know exactly what it feels like. If you have not, then you can not possibly imagine it."  

 Last year another friend from high school died. She had a seizure like Dan. My friends were afraid to tell me. Afraid how I would react. The last time I remember seeing her was at our wedding 16 years ago. Her death put me in a fog for at least a week. She was 35.

I can picture these two girls walking through the halls of the high school. me saying hi to them as I passed. Sharing hugs. In a way it feels like I just saw both of them, Like if I walk into our old high school again they will be there. They belong there, just like I belong there, just like Dan belongs their.

 21 1/2 months ago my husband died. I have known him since high school. He had a seizure and just died. He was too young to die. He was 36.

I always thought dying was mostly for old people. I have had numerous grandparents die. That's how it works, you get old and you die. Sometimes you get sick and you die, but even then you are much older then I am. Rarely, you are young and die, or possibly even a small child (I've been to one of those, there are no words). When I was in high school their was a horrific car accident and a girl I knew died. I went to that funeral, so did Dan, we weren't even dating then.

Three people, my age, from my high school, dead in less then two years, There are probably others that I wasn't friends with. When you are in high school, you tend to think that you are invincible, that nothing can harm you, that you will live forever. I think in a way you tend to carry that with you about your class mates. Then we they do die at the age of 35 you say wait a minute, I know that person, I saw her the other day in high school. She was invincible, I know, I was there, How could they possibly be dead?

I know I certainly think that about Dan. He was invincible, nothing could hurt him (and he pulled some crazy antics). How could he just up and die like that? It's not possible. He's my prince charming, prince charming doesn't die.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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