Not getting noticed





Dan's best friend from high school won a very important award today. Something he had worked toward his whole life. He honored Dan with it saying "In Honor of blank and Dan Stults. I hope in the years to come I am able to slightly make the kind of difference to my athletes that the two of you made for me. I miss you both everyday, but your persistence, courage, and heart is always with me."  Dan would be very proud of you my friend, he would say something about how he knew you would always make it someday, and then tell an embarrassing story about you.  

 When I saw this post it caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting it, our friend doesn't do facebook and posted this on his wife's page. Dan and I haven't seen this friend since their own wedding at least 10 years ago. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to make it to Dan's funeral. Did I mention they were best friends in high school. And in case you don't know high school is hard, they really carried each other through it. After high school we all got busy with our own lives and drifted apart.

  I stared and stared and stared at that FB post. It's just a tiny little thing. A little blip about a good friend. But I know the meaning behind it, I know how much he meant to you dear friend. I am so proud that such a good friend was my husband. I am so sad that you guys drifted apart.

 There is the huge immense sadness that is the giant hole in your ripped out heart. The one that will never be filled because your soulmate is gone. But there are other sadness's too. There is the sadness where your baby girl is crying for her daddy and you can't do anything to fix it. There's a sadness when you notice his parents moving a little slower and you know it's because they too are grieving him.

 There is a sadness when you stop and look up from your own sadness. A sadness of all the other people that are missing him. Old friends who mention him in a FB post, and you wish he were here to see that. Sadness when a friend tells you they tried to call him the other day and realized in mid type that he wouldn't answer. A sadness when his work colleagues find new jobs because it's just not the same there without him. A sadness every Sunday when you go to church and think, he should be involved in this, he should be involved in that, the church needs him.

 Most of the time I am in my own deep deep sadness of losing Dan, I also have baby girls sadness because she can't carry it on her own. I am not able to carry anyone else's, ours take up all my strength and then some. When I am able to take a glimpse out of our sadness I can see yours. I know how much everyone else loved Dan also. I know they still miss him too. I know friends still talk about him and that truly makes me happy.  But I can only take a glimpse before ours consumes me again. 

  Dan never thought he was anything special despite evidence to the contrary. He had this phrase he loved  "knish karma karma" (I am certain I spelled that wrong just pretend or something) he said roughly translated it means "Do your duty to God, without worrying what you will benefit" or "Do whats right, and don't worry about who gets the credit"  That was Dan, always doing what was right, not caring if he got the credit or even got noticed as long as it was done,

 Dear friend who won the award, I am honored that you remember Dan.  Dan of course would say  that you had it in you all along, that you've always been great. He would be right about that. He would also say that he didn't do anything, that you shouldn't have even mentioned his name. I never said that he wasn't a big old liar. I guess he didn't think he was lying, but those that love him know what an impact he had on people.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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