Laying it all out there





I never in my wildest crazy weird alternate dimension dreams imagined this would be me.

First of all as I've said a million times, this was never supposed to happen. This isn't my life. I am not a single parent. I am not a 36 year old widow. Dan and I were forever, we always knew we would be together forever. We talked about dying but it was always when we were done with life, 95 or 100. We would cash in our life insurance and go on a crazy adventure. We would die together, flying an airplane, or going bungee jumping or swimming with sharks. Whatever it was it would be big and it would be together.

Second, I still hold that I am not a writer. Dan was the writer in this family. Dan was an amazing writer. If you don't believe me there are links to his writing in the upper right of this page, read them and then you will understand what I mean.

Yet here I am being a single mother. Here I am being a 36 year old widow. As much as I don't want to be here, here I am. In a life that never was supposed to happen and I don't want. Here I am writing a blog almost very day. not an eloquent writer, I never wanted to be a writer. It never crossed my mind. Here I am, openly sharing about the worst parts of life. Maybe I have gone crazy.

So I was at therapy again (in all seriousness go to therapy) and I was telling my therapist about this lovely blog where I just kinda let everything hang out there for the whole world to see. I was telling her how this was very unlike me. so she said "well then why do you do it" Therapists uggg.

This was my response:  I used to be a very modest person. I didn't like changing in shower rooms and what not. I could easily name off all the people who have ever seen me naked because the list was so tiny. And then something happened. First I became pregnant, regular dr visits tend to make you less modest. Then I went into preterm labor and all of a sudden you are naked in front of a room full of dr.s and nurses, and you don't give a dam, your lack of clothing means nothing. what is important is that they save your baby's life. Thank God they were able to keep her in. Then something else happens, you go into actual labor. Again you are naked in a room full of drs and nurses and you don't give a dam. Whats important is having that baby. Nobody cares about your lack of clothing. You have nothing to hide.

Yes Dan's death is similar.  Dan died. Immediately people were swarming my house, paramedics and family. I was inconsolable, distraught. I didn't give a dam what it looked like and neither did anyone else. At Dan's funeral over 400 people saw me on the second worst day of my life. I was totally naked and nobody cared because there were bigger things going on. So I guess I figure after all that, I might as well write about it. It's not like it's a big secret everyone knows hes dead. Really I think everyone's more comfortable naked anyway. There are other things that are more important.


I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. UnknownNovember 18, 2016 at 6:53 AM

    Powerful truths, Jenny. Each of your writings has touched me. Grateful to be your witness.

    ReplyDelete

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