Thankfullness




I asked my friend what I should blog about today. She gave me a great suggestion (which I'm not doing right now but I will get to) Then she said "and at the end throw in something your thankful for because it's November." You know, many people do this whole everyday in November post something your thankful for on Facebook. It's a good idea. but eh, then I would look like I'm doing it just because everyone else is doing it.  I don't say thank you a lot. I don't say please a lot either. I guess I have bad manners. To me they always seemed like something you had to say not something you actually meant. Again with the whole everybody else is doing it thing. Like saying fine when people ask you how your doing. We all know thats a crock but we do it because you are supposed to. Saying thank you always felt like a do it because your supposed to thing not a because you mean it thing. I guess I assume that people just know I'm thankful.

I am thankful. Truly I am. I am fully aware that I am one of those lucky ones who has had a really great life.  Being thankful in grief is hard. Seeing the bright side in your life when your heart has been ripped from your chest is hard. Admitting that things are good when you know deep down inside no matter how good they are they will never be as good as they once were. As always there is a huge giant missing piece. A piece that will never be right again. Always a "yes this great thing happened, but I still miss Dan."

But at the same time I don't want people to think I'm ungrateful, or non appreciative, or don't see the good. I see it, I do, I just want Dan to be here with me. But alas. In the spirit of thanksgiving here are some things I am thankful for despite living in grief.

My in-laws: They are amazing. And I'm not just saying that because they can read this. I have always liked them. Did you know the first thing my mother in law said when I told her we were getting kicked out of our house was "move in with us. we will take care of you." There are stories of many widows who's in-laws have completely abandoned them when their husband died. Not mine. Mine love me, they know no other way.

Therapy: Seriously, everyone go to therapy.

Family: my whole family and Dan's have been extremely supportive. taking care of us, helping us. doing crazy things like being the Easter bunny and going to haunted houses. baby sitting whenever I asked. Spending time with Baby girl, playing with her when I don't have the energy. Cooking. Cleaning. I am well aware how lucky I am to have this, that most people don't. Most people do not text their siblings 50 times a day. Most people do not say when looking at houses "eh I don't know, it's pretty far away from dads house. It's like 10 minutes, I think thats too far. What if I need him to come over" Yup I did that.

Friends: Never in the history of the world have their been besties as fantastic as my besties. When we are old they will make a movie about our enduring friendship and how we saw each other through hard times and good times and seriously shitty times.

House: I am so grateful for our little house we are about to move into. It was such a struggle and I am aware at how many strings were pulled and prayers were said to get us that house and I am grateful.

Church: My church family loves me and I know it. I know they are there for me even when I'm not their for them.

Baby girl: She is my everything. She keeps me going. You do not want to know the sad state I would be in without her. I can sorta imagine it and let me just tell you it's bad.

Genes: Baby girl is just like her daddy. I knew this before, I used to wonder if there was any of me in her at all. (Dan always said there was, I'm just gonna have to take his word for it) Every single day she is so much like her father I just stare at her. Every day I say "you are just like your daddy" I'm probably giving her a complex, I should probably stop. I am grateful that so much of him is in her, otherwise it would truly be lost.

Crazy Love: I was loved with more love then most people can fathom. I had a fairy tale love. I knew this. I have always known this. If every one in the world was loved even half the amount I was loved we would live in a utopian society.

 MOST of the time I'm thankful that my heart is still beating, even though its broken.

ALL of the time I wish Dan could come back

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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