I hate today.
Exactly two years ago today is when my life started to change. I didn't realize it then, I was oblivious to it in fact. I had no clue that in 6 short weeks my soul mate would die in an instant. The thought never crossed my mind. Two years ago today Dan had a few seizures, The doctors switched his medication. Six weeks later he died of a siezure.
Like most of them it started in the middle of the night. The Sunday before Thanksgiving 2014. We were asleep and I woke up to the bed shaking. Dan had had a siezure. It was so short by the time I turned the light on and sat up it was over. He rolled over and started snoring. I shook his arm and he tried to shove me away. He was sleeping. I laid there for an hour or two and worried about him. He probably shouldn't go to work tomorrow so he can rest. He should probably call the dr and make an appointment to make sure everything's ok. Then I fell asleep to. The next morning I woke up to the sound of the shower going and the smell of steam coming from the bathroom. This is how I usually woke up, Dan would get up before me and go shower. I walked into the bathroom. "good morning babe, did you sleep well?" he asked. I opened the shower door and just stared at him. "what?" he said. "uh do you remember that you had a siezure last night?" "No I didn't" "yes you did" "nuh uh your lying" he tried to tease me "yes you did Dan I was there. I think you should stay home today and rest." "Can't stay home, I gotta go to work, I feel fine." "Don't you think you should call the dr." "Jennifer, it was a fluke, I'm fine" Off he went to work.
It being thanksgiving break we had family in town. All the ladies were going out to dinner and the kids and dads were going out to a more kid friendly restaurant. The timing meant I wouldn't see Dan in between work and dinner. I texted him when he got off "how was work?how are you feeling? did you call the dr." He didn't respond which was typical of him so I didn't worry. In the middle of dinner i got a text from him. It was very cryptic. I hate cryptic texts. It said "opps I did it again" he was trying to be funny. I texted back. "did what? had another siezure? are you ok? are you at your dads house? whats going on? Do you need me to come home" ok now I was starting to worry, I wasn't sure if he actually did have another siezure or if he was talking about something else entirely. (cryptic texting just don't do it.) I didn't want to worry his mother and sister in laws I was with so I kept eating and texting him. Finelly I got out of him that he had a small siezure while eating dinner at the restaurant with his dad, brother, brothers kids, and baby girl. O ya and one today at work too, he texts. like it's an after thought like its no big deal. Ok were on our way home, baby girl can spend the night with grandpa and grandma and we can go to urgent care. he hemmed and hawed about weather he actually needed to go and I insisted. Still not wanting to worry his mother I waited until we got in the driveway of thier house and blurted out "So Dan's had three seizures since last night. I'm gonna take him to urgent care and baby girl is gonna spend the night here. ok thanks."
I kinda surprised them. We go inside and I took a minute to pull baby girl aside and ask her if she was ok and if she was scared when daddy got kinda sick at the restaurant. she just shrugged it off and wanted to go play. I thought maybe it was small enough she didn't really notice, It seemed not to bother her so I didn't worry about it. Dan and I got in the car and I said "ok urgent care here we come" "No Jennifer don't go to urgent care we have to go straight to the ER" Uhhhhhhhhhhhh that got my heart racing. "Urgent care is closed for the night" he laughed. He was trying to make light of the situation but really he still wasn't worried. He was more annoyed everyone was worried about him.
When we got to the ER Dan told them what was going on and they immediately made him sit in a wheel chair. Even I thought that was ridiculous. He had to describe his seizures for the nurse. From what he described the one at work and the one at the restaurant were comparable to size of the one he had while sleeping if not smaller. They were small no big deal. It;s not like they were huge giant seizures. They put him in a bed for observation. He was annoyed, he wanted to go home and sleep. He needed to go to the bathroom and he was annoyed they wouldn't let him go without a nurse "really guys you are all overreacting, I'm fine" he tried to convince them "ha now you know how I felt when I was having Baby girl" I teased.
The drs decided that the cause was the medication he had been on since 1997 had acclimated to his body and it was absorbing too fast. hence acting like he hadn't even taken it. They decided to change his medication. It was the only thing to do. Before they got the new medication in his system he had another siezure. This was by far the biggest worst siezure I had ever seen. This one was like the ones you see in the movies. It felt like it lasted forever. I was terrified. There were drs and nurses surrounding him, helping him, and I was still terrified. I was more scared at this siezure then I was at the one he had the night he died. Then he rolled over and went to sleep. snoring loudly. They got his new medication in him and made him spend the night for observation. I stayed with him. He didn't have any more seizures.
The next morning he took a selfy of him in the hospital bed hooked up to all the monitors. He sent it to a 12 year old girl we know who has seizures, so that she would know she wasn't alone. Her mom texted me "are you guys alright, what happened" I told her the story. "we are fine really don't worry about us, we are checking out now. It's thanksgiving he has the rest of the week off to rest" That was the truth. That's how unworried about it we were.
We went home and snuggled on the couch all day and watched tv. excited that baby girl was still with grandpa and grandma so we could watch grown up tv. It's like were on a date we teased. The next day I took baby girl and my niece whom I was babysitting to a friends house for a play date so Dan could have another day to rest. He cleaned the house for me instead. He was a little sluggish and tired the rest of the week but then he was fine. He didn't have any more seizures, until six weeks later when he died.
Is it any wonder why I hate today.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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