Therapy rocks
I didn't go to therapy this week. We are trying this fun new thing where I only go every other week. This is the first week of not going. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. Plus that takes away like half my writing material right? My therapist without saying the word 'better' because she is a smart, good therapist and knows better, said she thought I could go down every other week. Uhhhhhhh if you say so lady, your the expert. The implication of course is that I am indeed doing better, I don't need to go in every single week and cry about my dead husband, every other week and crying at home will do. Baby Girl is in a good place, a really good place and that takes away a good 50% of my stress if not more, to not be constantly concerned about her. So every other week.
"How do you feel about that?" my therapist asks me. I looked her straight in the eye, "I think your probably right and that really pisseses me off" So much of this grief stuff makes me angry that sometimes I wonder if I have suppressed anger issues. Ya nope just really pissed off that my soul mate died on me at 34. "why does it piss you off?" It just does ok, that was a very grown up answer I know. I do know why it pisses me off though it just takes a little bit to form the words.
Basically because she's right, and I know shes right. I live in a world that I can not possibly imagine, a world without Dan. I didn't want to live my life without him and I still don't and here I am doing it anyway. It still hurts, it hurts indescribably, and if I think about it for more then two seconds it hurts so bad I think the evil queen is crushing my heart (Baby Girl and I are on a "once upon a time" binge). I'm still living it, I'm living life, it hurts to say but I'm living life without Dan. We are (uggg gag I can't believe I'm actually saying this) ok. ahhhh I said it, how could I say it, we are ok without Dan, we are ok without Dan, we are ok without Dan. and now I'm going to stop saying it because i'm feeling a fist around my heart. IT IS NOT OK THAT DANS DEAD. IT WILL NEVER BE OK. But we are doing ok.
We are doing, uh things. Again it pisses me off to say it but Baby Girl and I seem to finally, after two years and eight months, be finding our grove. We are figuring out how to function with just the two of us, without a daddy or husband to lean on for support and help with homework, and snuggle with, to goof off with. To be present in our every day lives, we are figuring out how to live without him. Yup it definitely pisses me off.
I spent my first week of not going to therapy doing yard work. O the yard work that needs to be done at my house is immense. One of my yard work projects is basicly shoveling rocks. Our house came with a lot of rock decoration, which I actually like, except that not a single rock is where I want it to be. So they must be moved. I shovel the rock into the wheel burrow, I move it to where I want it to be and I un shovel it. Really it's a lot of rock. Really it's a lot of work, i'm not as strong as everyone thinks. Furthermore I have tendonitis in my arm, which in case you don't know hurts like &*^%$. Also repetitive movements like o you know shoveling rock does not help the situation. Basically my arm hurts.
My friend was teasing me the other day, "it's like the movie Holes, you dig a hole and when your done with that hole you dig another hole. It builds character" I shovel the rock and when I'm done shoveling that rock I shovel some more rock. I'm not much for building character, when we were in high school Dan went on a mission trip to Europe. He was gone for three weeks, until that whole death thing happened it was the longest we were ever apart. I remember at that time I told my youth pastor how much I hated being apart from Dan for so long, he told me I was building character. I thought that was a lame answer, I still do actually. I'm not much into character building, I like my character just how it is. (Don't even get me started on how this whole dead husband thing is building my character, I just might punch you if you suggest that) Shoveling rock is not building my character, but it might be helping with the anger of grief. It gives me something to get my anger out on, the rocks don't care if I aggressively stab them. The rocks don't care if I sit down and cry because I'm sad Dan is not shoveling rocks with me.Rocks are just rocks, grief is complicated. I guess rocks were my therapy this week.
P.S. this is a picture of the rocks I shoveled this week.
"How do you feel about that?" my therapist asks me. I looked her straight in the eye, "I think your probably right and that really pisseses me off" So much of this grief stuff makes me angry that sometimes I wonder if I have suppressed anger issues. Ya nope just really pissed off that my soul mate died on me at 34. "why does it piss you off?" It just does ok, that was a very grown up answer I know. I do know why it pisses me off though it just takes a little bit to form the words.
Basically because she's right, and I know shes right. I live in a world that I can not possibly imagine, a world without Dan. I didn't want to live my life without him and I still don't and here I am doing it anyway. It still hurts, it hurts indescribably, and if I think about it for more then two seconds it hurts so bad I think the evil queen is crushing my heart (Baby Girl and I are on a "once upon a time" binge). I'm still living it, I'm living life, it hurts to say but I'm living life without Dan. We are (uggg gag I can't believe I'm actually saying this) ok. ahhhh I said it, how could I say it, we are ok without Dan, we are ok without Dan, we are ok without Dan. and now I'm going to stop saying it because i'm feeling a fist around my heart. IT IS NOT OK THAT DANS DEAD. IT WILL NEVER BE OK. But we are doing ok.
We are doing, uh things. Again it pisses me off to say it but Baby Girl and I seem to finally, after two years and eight months, be finding our grove. We are figuring out how to function with just the two of us, without a daddy or husband to lean on for support and help with homework, and snuggle with, to goof off with. To be present in our every day lives, we are figuring out how to live without him. Yup it definitely pisses me off.
I spent my first week of not going to therapy doing yard work. O the yard work that needs to be done at my house is immense. One of my yard work projects is basicly shoveling rocks. Our house came with a lot of rock decoration, which I actually like, except that not a single rock is where I want it to be. So they must be moved. I shovel the rock into the wheel burrow, I move it to where I want it to be and I un shovel it. Really it's a lot of rock. Really it's a lot of work, i'm not as strong as everyone thinks. Furthermore I have tendonitis in my arm, which in case you don't know hurts like &*^%$. Also repetitive movements like o you know shoveling rock does not help the situation. Basically my arm hurts.
My friend was teasing me the other day, "it's like the movie Holes, you dig a hole and when your done with that hole you dig another hole. It builds character" I shovel the rock and when I'm done shoveling that rock I shovel some more rock. I'm not much for building character, when we were in high school Dan went on a mission trip to Europe. He was gone for three weeks, until that whole death thing happened it was the longest we were ever apart. I remember at that time I told my youth pastor how much I hated being apart from Dan for so long, he told me I was building character. I thought that was a lame answer, I still do actually. I'm not much into character building, I like my character just how it is. (Don't even get me started on how this whole dead husband thing is building my character, I just might punch you if you suggest that) Shoveling rock is not building my character, but it might be helping with the anger of grief. It gives me something to get my anger out on, the rocks don't care if I aggressively stab them. The rocks don't care if I sit down and cry because I'm sad Dan is not shoveling rocks with me.Rocks are just rocks, grief is complicated. I guess rocks were my therapy this week.
P.S. this is a picture of the rocks I shoveled this week.
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