Dreamland
That in itself is a big change for us. Grief has been hard on Baby Girl (thats the
understatement of the century). For the first year after Dan died Baby Girl
hardly mentioned his name, I could probably count on one hand how many times
she did mention it. It wasn't much
better the second year, I probably needed both hands to count how many times
she talked about her daddy. Her heart,
her brain, her body just couldn't take it.
She would literally run out of the room if anyone started talking about
Dan. It has been two years and seven
months since Dan died. Just this summer she has started talking about him
herself. She has started asking questions about him. Things I wish with every
being I didn't have to answer for her, things I wish she could just remember,
like how he hated coffee, and a Bismarck was his favorite donut. I just told her
today about how before she was born he had knee surgery. Had Dan been alive
that knee surgery would have been updated this last year and she would have
known all about it. But then sometimes
she will tell me a funny story about him that I don't remember. I guess you
could say shes healing, except that I hate that phrase because it's impossible
to be healed from this. But something is
changing, maybe she has grown enough that her brain and her heart can let him
back in.
Baby Girl had a dream a couple weeks ago. She woke up all
smiles and happiness and said "Mommy I just had the best dream ever! Me and
you and Daddy and auntie Pween were all at the mall of America (we were there
this summer in real life) and we were riding all the rides. Then just daddy and I went on the obstacle
course and it was really cool. Then just daddy and I went on the zip line and
it was really fun." They never did
this exact thing, but it's the exact thing they would have done together. That's what she did with her daddy, they went
on wild adventures, they climbed rocks, and sledded down hills. She remembers that, he was her adventure buddy. I could picture the trouble they would get
into when she was a little older, upside down roller coasters, bungy jumping,
sky diving, they would have done it all. Instead it's just a dream, even if it
was a really good dream.
Baby Girl had another dream a couple days ago. This one was not so good. I heard her crying
in her sleep and ran into her room. "I'm here baby, mommy is right
here." tears coming out of her closed
eyes and her fists clenched she cries "no no I wana go home" That one
always kills me, because we are home, but this isn't the home she means, she
means her old home, the one with daddy." She opened her eyes shaking,
crying, and looked around. "Mommy, mommy I had a really bad
dream." shes still crying, she is
distraught like I have never seen her from a dream before. My mind is racing, crap crap crap, this is
it, shes remembering, shes remembering the night Dan died, shes been talking
about him so much it must have come back to her. (Side note, to my knowledge baby Girl slept
through that whole awful event, it was the middle of the night and she was in
her room. But I always wonder if she heard things anyway or I have the crushing
thought that maybe she was awake through the whole thing and just to scared to
come out.) Hence the mind racing panic I was going through over her bad
dream. A few minutes of hugging and she
was ready to tell me what her dream was about.
In essence her favorite stuffed animal (which means the world to her)
was lost and she searched and searched but couldn't find it anywhere. Whew. Big
sigh of relief it was only about a stuffed animal not her dad dying. Whew. (Yup
I say actual sentences like that now, that is our life.) When I told my friend this story as an
explanation as to why we were running late she said "well it sounds like
grief to me. think about it, her most
precious thing in the world was lost. In the dream it was the stuffed animal
but it could be representing Dan." I guess that could explain why she was
so truly upset. Then again neither my
friend or I are professional dream interpreters.
She wrote a letter to the tooth fairy to go with her giant
molar. The tooth fairy always writes
back on tooth shaped paper, I was not the person that came up with this
idea. Tooth fairy days are winding to a
close, this may be the last year for Santa (if we make it to Christmas at all).
She starts fifth grade tomorrow morning, she says she wants to ride the bus, I
guess shes too cool for her mom to drive her on the first day anymore. She seems to be getting so big so fast, I'm
heart broken again and again that Dan is missing it all. Dan is missing it all
and her little body is growing enough that now it has space to let the memories
of her daddy in.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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