I say dead a lot

So I was talking to my therapist today. We were talking about my dead husband, sometimes it seems like she's the only one who doesn't mind that I still talk about him. I guess thats what shes for.  Thus this was our topic of conversation today. who do I talk about my dead husband to.

According to Facebook I made 40 new friends this year.  I think probably most of them don't know Dan. That in itself makes me so sad, how can I actually be friends with people who didn't know my husband.  Unless they are complete idiots (and then I wouldn't be friends with them) they do know that I had a husband, once upon a time, he did exist. He was my soul mate, the loss of him hurts every second of every day.  Also because of the type of job I recently got, because I had to get a job because my husband died, I used to be a stay at home mom and loved it.  Anyway in order for me to still take care of Baby Girl and make some income I started an in home business. Thus a lot of people come to my house. Many of them comment on my cute nic nacs and pictures, many of which belonged to Dan. When they comment on them I usually say something like "ya those were my dead husbands" or if they knew Dan I will say "ya those are Dan's"

Then I get the look. If your in this land of grief you know exactly what i'm talking about. It's a "did she really just say something about her dead husband" look. A "I can't believe she said that, your not supposed to mention him anymore" look.  Sometimes it's a "you still refer to him after two and a half years look" ya, ya I do. I'm still in love with him too, so there.  After the look there is always this weird awkward silence because the other person doesn't know how to respond, usually I change the subject for their sake.

So I was telling my therapist about this awkwardness and she said, "wouldn't it work just to say something like 'ya that belonged to my late husband isn't it cool"  No, no that wouldn't work at all. Mainly because I don't believe I have ever referred to Dan once as my late husband.  He's not late, he's dead. In the same token I have only said 'he passed away' a couple of times and that was because I didn't want to offered the elderly people I was talking to.  He's dead, not late, not passed, just dead.  That's a little grief rant I have.

"huh why do you think you do that?" my therapist asked me, wait isn't she supposed to be analyzing me, why am I analyzing myself.  I laughed because in that second a really great analogy popped into my head, so I told her about it. You see Baby Girl and I are right in the middle of book five of Harry Potter.  In case you haven't heard the bad guy in Harry Potter is named Voldemort.  It is very Taboo to say Voldemort's actual name, most people are too scared to do it so they call him things like 'he who must not be named' and 'the dark lord' Only a very select few have the guts to call him Voldemort, generally when they do the whole room stiffens and there is an awkward silence. Hey that sounds familiar.

Dead, died, dead, died, dead dead dead. Dan is dead. My soul mate is dead, Baby Girls daddy is dead. My in laws son is dead. He died. Dan didn't pass away, he died. Dan isn't late (although when he was alive he was late to everything) he's dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead. I can picture people putting their fingers in there ears and saying "lalalalalalalala" really loud so they can't hear me say my husband is dead, their friend is dead, their brother is dead.  It kind of makes me want to say it louder and louder so they get it. Dead, dead, dead.  Dan was the most amazing person and he's dead. Dan was the love of my life, and he's dead. Dan wanted to change the world, and he's dead. Dan loved Baby Girl and I like nobody else on the planet, and he's dead.  Dan wanted to save the trees, and he's dead. Dan procrastinated like nobody else I knew, and he's dead.  I wish with every fiber of my being that he was alive, and he's dead.

I think like Voldemort, DEAD is a taboo word for most people. Every one wants to edge around death, and they do it by calling it something other then what it really is.  No one wants to say the word dead because it is too scary, too real. Ya their right, dead is scary and real, I watched my husband die, that was really scary and really real, but it happened and it won't unhappen by me giving it a lighter name. Voldemort killed Harry's parents and Dan is dead.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle