directionless

What did I talk about in therapy today? My brain can barely remember. It was one of those days. The one where everything feels rushed, when you're trying to do 10 million things but nothing gets accomplished, when you've wanted to go to bed ever since you woke up. When your kid tell you your the worst mommy in the world because you're taking her to the dentist instead of aunties to play with the new baby kitten. When your brain is so worn out it actually hurts. When you feel like everything that occurred today is all because your husband is dead. Well maybe that one's just me. I don't know all that many people with a dead husband although I must say way way more then I knew two and a half years ago when he died.

I haven't had one of these days in awhile, and really had have very few of them all summer. I guess I'm 'healing' or whatever.  It makes your brain foggy, it makes it hard to remember what you are doing from one moment to the next. It makes it hard to remember if you already took your medication for the day or not. I never know what to do with that one, part of me wants to take it again because if I can;t remember doing it the shurley I haven't yet.  But then my brain laughs at me, hahahaha thats not what it means at all, your memory is crap now, your lucky if you remember getting dressed. So ultimately I don't take them because I can live with skipping a day but taking them twice is probably a bad plan.

I spent at least two years in this fog, at least, it was probably more like two and a half. I really think I have been coming out of it just in the last few months. Also just a little middle of the night rant I'm going to stick in here... that whole grieving should last about a year thing is crap crap crap and lies lies lies. That whole a person should start to feel better after six months thing is crap crap crap and lies lies lies. Six months ha, try two and a half years to even start to restart, to even have the mental capacity to try.  In the probably hundreds of wrong articles out there with this time line I have found only one that said 'give yourself three years, just give yourself three years' ok I thought I'll try and give myself three years even though there is all this worldly pressure for six months.  So I guess if things are less foggy at two years and eight months I'm ahead.

We talked about being ahead in therapy today. Not ahead in grief cause ha, but just ahead in life. It centered around  the fact that at 37 years old I have no direction in my life. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up and I've been a grown up for at least ten years now (Dan and I always marked the birth, well pregnancy, of Baby Girl as when we officially became grown ups).  But even before that I had a direction, I knew at 19 when I married Dan how our life was going to go, I knew at like 17 that I was going to marry Dan.  "you know..." said my therapist "thats not typical. Most people are just figuring out who they are in their 20's and these days don't get married till their 30's" I know, I mean I will be the first to admit that getting married at 19 is CRAZY, But we also knew, we just knew we were meant to be together and that we would always be together.  (until that really stupid death thing got in the way). "So did you feel like everyone who didn't get married at 19 was behind in life?"  No they weren't behind, they were normal, it's just that we were ahead. We had it figured out at 19. Now at 37 I am lost.  I've never felt lost before, I couldn't be lost with Dan. ( Although, physically speaking we were lost all the time, he had the worst sense of direction. GPS was one of the best things that ever happened to him) See I guess I skipped all that finding myself stuff in my 20's because I was already found, and now I don't know how to do it because I've never had to before.

And now it's 3 am and I'm ending this abruptly and going to bed, lost, directionless, and missing my soul mate.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle