Day by Day

My sister posted on face book the other day "Miss you all the time. Some days are worse than others. Today is one of those days." along with a picture of her and Dan.  I meant to ask her what made it so hard that day but I never got around to it. It could have been because Baby Girl had hung out with her all day. It could have been because they went to a charity walk for another friend that died years ago.  It was likely a combination of the two. Or maybe she just thought of some smart ass remark Dan would have said to her.  Dan really loved teasing her, she was 8 when Dan and I started dating and was very much a baby sister to him as well as me. 

I miss Dan all the time too. Yes some days are harder then others. I am astonished to hear myself say that I think the really bad days, the days when you can't even function, are getting less and less. I can make it through most days most of the time now.  That in itself hurts like hell. I can't imagine my life without him, and I still can't but most days I can make it through.

I went to therapy a couple weeks ago. Her opening line is usually "how are you doing?" My opening reply is usually "Dan's still dead" cause you know that pretty much sums up how I am doing. My husband is dead, I'm doing great, life is rainbows and lollipops. Ya I've never actually said that.  A couple weeks ago though I did say something a little different, I gave my reply "Dan's still dead" my therapist countered with "And..." "And today I'm ok" I think, maybe. sort of, I could be. We proceeded to talk about that.

I went into therapy last week "How are you doing?"  "Dan's still dead" "And..."  He's dead, he's dead, he's never coming back, he left me here all alone to do everything, and I'm mad at him, and I miss him, and I don't want to do this all by myself, and I want Dan and this fucking sucks, and it hurts, it hurts so bad, physically, right now my entire body hurts. I want to crumple onto the floor, I want to sink into nothingness. I want Dan to hold me. I don't want to do this anymore.  Dan is in my thoughts every second, always. Most days I can get through, most days. I left that therapy session crying, empty, drained, broken. 

Today I got Baby Girl off to school, I even made a real breakfast not cereal.  I worked all morning (working is still a new concept to me so be impressed k). I did PTA stuff all afternoon (yes I'm on the PTA, cause you know the grieving solo parent has time for that). We finally had a break in the weather so it wasn't blistering hot and it felt good. Dan was in my thoughts every second, he always is.  But today I'm not crumpled on the floor.

A few days ago I got an email from a friend, one of my best friends, she was best friends with Dan too. She was actually friends with Dan before she was friends with me. She was looking at pictures of Dan and it was making her cry.  She said "I'm going to look at the pictures of Dan anyway and remember that he is dead because you have to remember every minute"  Wait there's an option? Some people don't have to remember every minute, every second that Dan is dead?  I guess thats true. Now this is one of our dearest friends, we love her with all our heart. She was telling the truth though, (which I appreciate) she can go about most of her day, most of her life and not think about Dan being dead. With that said I'm sure she thinks about it plenty because she misses him too. She's not me, she's not Baby Girl, her life wasn't completely and utterly entwined with Dan's. 

There is no option for me, there is no not remembering that Dan is dead, there is no choice. There is no deciding what day you want to sink into nothingness and what day you don't.  You don't look in the mirror and go "I'm just not going to think about Dan being dead today, I'm going to make rainbows and lollipops today" it doesn't work like that, the grief is always with you. it's just somedays you can keep moving and somedays you can't.  So far there's no way to tell which kind of a day it is going to be, you don't have a choice in grief about how you will feel from one second to the next.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle