I'm not gonna let you fall

The death of Dan, my husband, my soul mate, my best friend, is by far the most catastrophic thing that has ever happened to me.  My whole world was ripped apart, ruthlessly, bloody, messy. My life laid in pieces all over the places I called home.  I couldn't go anywhere without seeing it's wreckage. I couldn't understand how my heart kept beating without his next to it, but it did.  I couldn't see how Baby Girl and I were going to make it, it's still up for debate.

In the before I would volunteer at Baby Girls school all the time. I was a volunteering mom, I was a PTA mom.  I feel like everyone at the school knows me, even if they don't know be by name, they know who I am. We are that family with the "tragedy." Baby Girl in her own right is not one to be forgotten easily. Tragedy struck hard and fast when Baby Girl was in second grade, she was only 7 and her daddy just died out of nowhere.  A lot of the volunteering lapsed after Dan died.  It's really hard to concentrate on kids all day when you are working so hard at breathing. Nonetheless I was still at school, picking up or dropping off Baby Girl, trying to still be involved, I think I was kidding myself.  This year I have been feeling more present in the world so I have been volunteering at school more.  I was walking down the hall and I passed one of Baby Girl's old teachers, she looked at me and said "How we doing" I smiled back an actual genuine smile and said "good, were good"

  As I walked away I had a sort of revelation, I meant that, we were good.  Then I had another revelation, every time I see this teacher she asks me that. An average of once a week for two and a half years she has asked me how I was doing.  I think this is the first time I ever said good.  Then it occurred to me because my brain is fast like that, she's checking on us because she cares, she loves us and she is there for us. I have no idea what I told her all those other times, just a sigh or a grunt, a "I'm still here" is one I say alot. But I know this and I have known it all along. If I had said awful and slid down to the floor and started crying, she would have left the 30 kids she was leading in line and helped me. Now although I love this teacher dearly I am confident she is not the only one in the school willing to do that for me. In fact I believe the vast majority of that school would.  She is not the only one to regularly ask me how I'm doing, so many of them do I couldn't even count.  Dan died, our world was shattered.  An energetic bubbly seven year old lost her light.  Somewhere while we were trying to breathe her little country school had a meeting of the minds and all decided that they were not going to let us fall. They were going to pick us up. They were not going to let us fall through the cracks, or get lost in the system. They were going to have our back.

I went to a meeting at church the other day. It was for the "leaders" of the church. I'm not exactly sure why I went because I'm not exactly a leader. I used to be, Dan and I used to be. But I'm not anymore, I'm lucky if I get there once a month now, but I went to this meeting.  At the meeting I mentioned how it was all I could do to get here occasionally and I was trying.  They all looked at me stunned, "we know that honey, you are doing awesome, you just do what you can, it's fine" was the group consensus.  Then the person leading the discussion added "while were on the subject I just want to tell this church how proud I am of them for all the love and support you have showered on Jenny and her family" translation, you didn't let her fall after Dan died, you held her up, you carried her. You didn't let her slip through the cracks because she didn't show up every week, instead you took care of her. I added "ya you guys you have been so good to us I really really appreciate it." And they all looked at me incredulously as if to say, "well duh, isn't it obvious we love you and we are going to take care of you, we are here for you, don't you know that by now" ya, ya I did. What one person actually said was "well a bunch of us know where you live, if you go too long without showing up we will just come knock your door down."

You know what I love about our therapy? Dan was a therapist, everyone in our therapy office knew him, if not personally then by reputation. They said 'we are not going to let Dan's wife and child fall through the cracks and get pushed around the mental health system, we are not doing that to them'  They were determined to help us.

"sister the battery on my car died can you just leave work and come jump it for me"  I said when she answered the phone. "ya I'll be right there" she replied.  She know I would rather call Dan but that I can't anymore so I have to call her, she's there too.  

I asked my sister in law to come help me fill out some paper work where I knew it would have hard questions like 'who is your spouse'  she came without hesitation. It was a good thing too because that paper work turned out to be so awful it's gonna get it's own blog one of these days.

"Can your husbands come help me do yard work" I asked my friends and sisters, a little unwillingly because I hate that I have to ask them for help so much now.  "What time do you want us there?" Is the only response I got.

my mother in law brings me groceries on a regular basis just because. She will also take Baby Girl at the drop of a hat, even when Baby Girl is making me want to tear my hair out, grandma will still take her for me.

Baby Girl and I are surrounded by an army of people who are determined to not let us fall. I know that, I have always known that. Even before Dan died I knew we had fantastic friends and family. Sometimes though just because you have something doesn't mean you noticed it in a while or that you're truly aware of how important it is.  So I guess this is a thank you blog to anyone and everyone who stepped up a little to ask us how we were doing.  To everyone who knows the deep deep loss of Dan's death and said we are not going to loose his family too, we are not going to let them fall, thank you for picking us up.


I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle