What does she remember?
Baby Girl and I were running around town today. We drove past this very odd shaped building. It was sort of in the middle of the road. Sort of like a triangle and the road went around it. Very recognizable. Baby Girl said "hey I've been in a building just like that before. Not that one but one like it" Not paying attention to what building she was talking about while I was driving, I tried to narrow it down, "With who, Auntie?" she replied "No not auntie, I think with you and daddy" wait did my kid just say the D word. well we can cross that off the list of the things that happen about once a month. Then I caught a glimpse of the building in my rear view mirror. Then I knew exactly what she was talking about.
"Yes, me and you and daddy have been in a building like that." It's a popular chain in the area that specializes in restaurants and hotels and loves painting odd murals on their walls. We went to this particular one because they were giving tours for it's 100th anniversary. I told her about the hotel we went and toured. "you remember doing that?" I asked trying not to sound perplexed. This is what we did together the last day Dan was alive. I didn't remind her of that part. Then a very loud, forceful voice in the back seat said "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE!" ya I guess she does remember.
That's what we did Dan's last day on earth. We went to church. Then we went downtown, to this 100th anniversary celebration with some of my siblings. We went to one of those fancy cocoa stores and drank chocolate. Dan had been wanting to do that for awhile. We walked around downtown. We toured the old hotel. We went to the bookstore and bought baby girl a Dr. Seuss book. We ate cheeseburgers in a tiny restaurant that was so crowded Dan had to stand up and baby girl sat on my lap while I sat on a stool.
We went home. And thats as far as my memory goes. I imagine we ate dinner and watched t.v. I don't remember cooking dinner or what we ate. I don't remember what we watched. We put baby girl to bed but I don't remember. We went to bed, but I don't remember, I don't remember his last words to me. I don't remember him kissing me goodnight. I'm sure he did, he always did, but I don't remember. Then the nightmare started and I can remember everything.
Baby Girl had me read that Dr. Suess book a few times over the last two years. I always do it trying not to make my voice quiver and trying not to cry. I remember that book as the last thing he got for her, the last hing we got her together, a silly Dr. Suess book. I don't know if she remembers it that way, if she realizes it's the last thing daddy bought her on the last day daddy was alive. But maybe she does, maybe thats why we've only read it a few times.
I don't know what she remembers, she doesn't talk about it. In case you haven't heard daddy dying is her least favorite subject. I like to tell my self that by the grace of God she slept through the whole thing. That she doesn't remember because she was asleep. Then other times my crazy widow brain starts talking to me and it says I am deluding myself because I want to make myself feel better, of course she was awake how could she have possibly stayed asleep through all that commotion. She's just to scared to talk about it. Then my normal brain (I guess it's the normal one because it says what I want to hear) says no if she were awake you would have known, she would have called for you, she would have come out of her room, she would have done something, you would have known. Then crazy widow brain tells me that I'm just saying that because I can't bear he thought of her awake, all alone and afraid in her room listening to mommy screaming and paramedics making noise. And NOT hearing daddy's calm reassuring voice.
I don't know which one of my brains is right. I don't know if Baby Girl will ever be brave enough to tell me. I kinda doubt it.
"Yes, me and you and daddy have been in a building like that." It's a popular chain in the area that specializes in restaurants and hotels and loves painting odd murals on their walls. We went to this particular one because they were giving tours for it's 100th anniversary. I told her about the hotel we went and toured. "you remember doing that?" I asked trying not to sound perplexed. This is what we did together the last day Dan was alive. I didn't remind her of that part. Then a very loud, forceful voice in the back seat said "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE!" ya I guess she does remember.
That's what we did Dan's last day on earth. We went to church. Then we went downtown, to this 100th anniversary celebration with some of my siblings. We went to one of those fancy cocoa stores and drank chocolate. Dan had been wanting to do that for awhile. We walked around downtown. We toured the old hotel. We went to the bookstore and bought baby girl a Dr. Seuss book. We ate cheeseburgers in a tiny restaurant that was so crowded Dan had to stand up and baby girl sat on my lap while I sat on a stool.
We went home. And thats as far as my memory goes. I imagine we ate dinner and watched t.v. I don't remember cooking dinner or what we ate. I don't remember what we watched. We put baby girl to bed but I don't remember. We went to bed, but I don't remember, I don't remember his last words to me. I don't remember him kissing me goodnight. I'm sure he did, he always did, but I don't remember. Then the nightmare started and I can remember everything.
Baby Girl had me read that Dr. Suess book a few times over the last two years. I always do it trying not to make my voice quiver and trying not to cry. I remember that book as the last thing he got for her, the last hing we got her together, a silly Dr. Suess book. I don't know if she remembers it that way, if she realizes it's the last thing daddy bought her on the last day daddy was alive. But maybe she does, maybe thats why we've only read it a few times.
I don't know what she remembers, she doesn't talk about it. In case you haven't heard daddy dying is her least favorite subject. I like to tell my self that by the grace of God she slept through the whole thing. That she doesn't remember because she was asleep. Then other times my crazy widow brain starts talking to me and it says I am deluding myself because I want to make myself feel better, of course she was awake how could she have possibly stayed asleep through all that commotion. She's just to scared to talk about it. Then my normal brain (I guess it's the normal one because it says what I want to hear) says no if she were awake you would have known, she would have called for you, she would have come out of her room, she would have done something, you would have known. Then crazy widow brain tells me that I'm just saying that because I can't bear he thought of her awake, all alone and afraid in her room listening to mommy screaming and paramedics making noise. And NOT hearing daddy's calm reassuring voice.
I don't know which one of my brains is right. I don't know if Baby Girl will ever be brave enough to tell me. I kinda doubt it.
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