Two years and two months today





In case you didn't notice the title, today marks two years and two months since my one true love, my soul mate, vanished from this earth. Just vanished, most people call that vanishing trick dying, but it has the same effect, gone without a trace, never to be seen again on this earth.  I'm still in a sort of shock two years and two months later. We keep moving but I don't know how.

Every month on this date, I just sorta expect everything to go wrong, there is no reason for it to go right. For two years and two months this day has just been wrong. That's what I was expecting today so I planned accordingly "I am not leaving the couch" I declared. But then Baby Girl got invited to a play date and she was actually excited to go. So I broke my decree and drove her to her friends house. As I was driving back I was thinking, "you know what crazy widow, today has been ok, nothing has gone wrong, the sun is shinning for the first time all year, today has been ok"

I kid you not at that exact second I heard the song that was playing on the radio. It was a country song, Dan and I used to hold each other and dance to it. I believe it's called "remember when" It is about an old couple looking back at their life and saying things like, remember when 30 was old, remember when we had toddlers. I would do it all again with you. Dan and I loved that song and would often imagine us in the future as an old couple, remembering back on our life and saying these things to each other.  We would remember when 30 seemed old. Never in the song does it say and remember when you died prematurely at 36. Because thats not how true love stories end, thats not how fairy tales end.

For the billionth time it struck me that we will never do this. We will never look back on our 30s together as the time when we were so young and full of energy and had our whole lives before us. And for the billionth time in the last two years and two months it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart with a spoon (because it hurts more)  For the billionth time I was so mad at my prince charming, madder then I have ever been at him at anytime he was alive. Mad because thats not us. we don't get to do that anymore. Our remember whens are gone, our future is gone, he is gone.

Our remember whens stop abruptly at 36. Now it's I remember when. Now I have to remember everything for the two of us,(I guess that makes me always right)  for Baby Girl. Now she has to remember her daddy through the stories we tell, and the all too few memories of him she is able to save. Her remember whens were taken too. No remember when I broke curfew and my dad came out looking for me. No remember when dad came and rescued me from a party. No remember when dad and I danced at my wedding. No remember when dad pulled out a shotgun on my boyfriend.  She will never have those.

In case your wondering two years and two months later it still hurts. Like someone is gutting my heart out with a spoon.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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