Allergies

Baby Girl started coughing a couple weeks ago.  I said "o yup spring must be on the way your allergies are acting up."  Baby Girl kept coughing.  Usually her allergies stick to her eyes and her nose.  I commented several times on how her allergies jumped down her throat this year.  "No I promise she's not sick its just her allergies... yes it does sound awful... no she just gets very bad allergies."  Sometimes I mention she got them straight from her father.  I don't have allergies. 

Dan was always clearing his throat.  Every couple minutes he would clear his throat. It was because of his allergies. He never coughed much he just always cleared his throat. When he was a child he had to get allergy shots every week.  He hated it and vowed we would never do that to our kid.  I have threatened when she won't take her allergy medicine and that usually worked.

I could base Baby Girls need for allergy medicine off of Dan. It was easy. Dan would say something like "my allergies are really bad today, better give baby girl some allergy medicine." Or "my eyes have been really itchy today better give baby girl some eye drops.  We could guarantee if Dan's allergies were acting up so where baby girls. 

Then Dan died. Then I had about a trillion things to worry about on top of figuring out how much pollen was in the air.  I have to admit I am not spectacular at this job.  I often forget she needs medicine. I used to never forget.  Now not so much.

So a couple weeks ago she stared coughing.  Its just her allergies I told everyone. Least they think I was letting her run around sick.  Every two minutes she would cough.  Allergies.  I even told my friends "Baby Girls allergies have jumped down her throat this year and she won't stop coughing what can I do about it"

Then I was at school on Monday.  Then I found out two kids from her class (one of them being her best friend) had just gotten over Bronchitis.  Yup I just won mother of the year.  Baby Girl probably has bronchitis. She's probably had it for two weeks ever since she started coughing and I've been letting her go to school and run around and infect other kids.  Awesome. Just awesome.

Well there's one way to know for sure.  Go to the Dr.  Ya ok sounds good.  Um Baby Girl doesn't have a regular Dr.  She used to but then my husband died and we lost the fancy insurance we got through his work.  So I signed us up for state health insurance (hahaha there's probably 12 blogs I could right about that. Fun times state health insurance fun times). Well we did get on state health insurance. Here's the thing, I have a healthy kid.  She's never sick.  She's been sick more in the last two years since her dads died (getting sick when your stressed is a thing) then she's ever been in her whole life combined. So she hasn't needed to go to to the Dr in two years. So I needed to find her a Dr.

Here's the thing about state health insurance, at least in my state, it is significantly hard to find a Dr who accepts it.  It is even harder to find a place that accepts it, (uh how do I put this nicely) that doesn't look down on you because your on state health insurance. (Ya that's putting it nicely).  Basically I was dreading finding a Dr for Baby Girl.  Especially on short notice.

And it all comes back to one simple thing.  None of this would be happening if Dan hadn't died.  I would have an established Dr for Baby Girl.  But more I would have Dan.  Dan to say "no my throat has really been bothering me with my allergies to. I'm sure she's fine."  Dan to say "maybe WE better take her to the Dr."  Notice the WE not the I. The WE, that WE were in this together. That WE would figure out a plan. That WE were there for each other.  That WE would take care of Baby Girl, that WE is significant. It's not an I like it is now. I hate the I. I hate that I has to make all the decisions and not WE.

Luckily a friend recommend an amazing Dr's office.  But see know we have another problem.  Now I have to fill out all that paper work, you know the ones that say things like what's the fathers name, his contact information, etc.  The one where it asks you if she lives with both parents.  The one where I wrote at least five times "please see explanation on back of paper." The one where I try to scribble on the back of one piece of paper how she had the most amazing dad in the world and then in a snap of a finger he was dead.  How life has changed so much since then. How she has extreme anxiety now and depression, hence the medication I wrote down that you probably looked at and questioned my parenting.  Ya I can scribble all that down on one piece of paper so that you fully understand, sure.

Even after you write it down you have to openly explain it to the Dr. Something I always dread, explaining my dead husband to strangers.  Baby Girl brought it up. (Not here dad but the topic) the Dr asked her if her tummy hurt and Baby Girl said "Ya my tummy always hurts"  Well there's my window I guess. So I say "uh it's a convoluted story. See daddy died two years ago. So Baby Girl had a lot of worries no that make her tummy hurt. That's why she's on the medication I wrote down uh ya" and the Dr. Looked at me and said "I totally understand" Ya I really like that Dr. 


I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle