Only In Dreams.




I had a dream about Dan last night. I don't usually dream about him, only a small handful of times. At least that I can remember dreaming. I guess it's possible I dream about him every night and I just don't remember those dreams.  This was quite a dream, it stuck with me all day and I don't think is going anywhere soon.

In my dream:
Baby Girl and I were sitting on the couch at my in-laws house (the house Dan grew up in) watching TV. Baby Girl was playing on my phone (she loves to do that). My phone started ringing. I glanced over to see who it was and it said Dan Stults (fyi I got a new phone about a year ago and Dan's number was accidentally erased so it's not even in there). Baby Girl started to walk away as she answered the phone "Hi Daddy" very causally, like it was nothing, like she says that every day, like she used to.  I could hear him through the phone. "Hi Baby Girl whatcha doing.?" I got up and followed her because I wanted to talk to Dan too. She was pacing back and forth in the bathroom. "I miss you daddy when are you coming home" Then he said it, I could hear Dan's voice crystal clear like he was just here yesterday, he said. "I miss you too Baby Girl. Don't worry I'm coming home soon"

I grabbed the phone out of Baby Girls hand "Your coming home?" I said in amazement. "For real your coming home?" You see dreams are funny and even though I was chatting on the phone with my dead husband I knew perfectly well that he had been dead for two years and two months and two weeks. And he just said he was coming home. "Yes Jennifer, I'm coming home now. I will see you soon!"

And then I woke up. It was 4 am. I laid in bed closing my eyes as tight as I could trying to go back to sleep so I could finish the dream. So I could get to the part where he came home. So I could get to a part where I could see him and touch him, where I could feel his breath on me as he hugged me. Of course you never get back into a dream once you wake up from it. So that was a futile effort. Then I laid in bed and tried to replay the dream over and over and over so I wouldn't forget any of it. Then Baby Girl woke up and it was time to start my day.

It was only a dream. Dan said he was coming home. It was only a dream. Dan said we would see him soon. It was only a dream. It felt so real. It was only a dream.  I wish with every atom of by being that it was true. It was only a dream. Dan is still dead. It was only a dream.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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