Why being sick makes me pissed at my dead husband




Baby Girl and I had the flu this week.  I'm gonna warn you. It was gross. The flu is gross. But hey death is way worse and I talk about that all the time so whats a little vomit. It started on Sunday. Baby Girl threw up all day Sunday. You know whats exhausting, taking care of a sick child all on your own. I remember the good old days when Dan was alive. Sometimes he would stay home from work if Baby Girl was really sick, so we could tag team the cuddles and the the cleaning up. Sometimes he would go to work anyway. Those times the second he got home I would NEED to run to the store for SOMETHING EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.  It was fine, he knew I needed out, she was perfectly content with her daddy. Two hours later I would show back up and he would ask what took so long. I would smile and say "I got lost" that was our phrase "I got lost" we would use it at times like these, when we needed a break from being a parent. We would also use it when we were out buying each other presents. "where were you" "I got lost" usually always meant I had a surprise coming my way.

In case you don't know having a sick child is physically and emotionally exhausting at the best of times. In case you didn't know it is worse when you are doing it all by yourself. We weren't completely alone and it was still awful. We are living with Dan's parents at the moment and they were there. Thank goodness. Nothing will make you second guess moving out on your own then when you need help. They helped, but here's the thing  (sorry grandma) when you have a sick Baby Girl she doesn't want grandma to take care of her she wants mommy and daddy. Unfortunately all she gets these days is mommy because in case you didn't hear daddy is dead. So even though grandma was 100% willing to take care of sick Baby Girl, she did not want her grandma, she wanted me.

Monday Baby Girl was still sick but doing better so I was able to leave her with grandma for a while. (I might have lost my mind otherwise). Tuesday Baby Girl was still sick but much much better. Wednesday Baby Girl was all better and went to school. Wednesday I was talking to my friend about how Baby Girl had the nastiest flu and I managed not to catch it from her. YAY ME. Look at my immune system go, see grief didn't make it weaker, like most people say, it made it stronger because I can't afford to be sick now, I have to much to take care of on my own, I have no one to take care of me. I can't get sick. haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha.....................................

We were driving home Wednesday night after eating dinner with my dad. I felt perfectly fine at dinner. We got about a mile from home and I exploded with vomit. Yes exploded. Yes out of no where. Yes in my nice shiny car. I stopped literally in the middle of the road and opened the car door and vomited some more. And some more. And some more. There was a guy getting his mail, I wonder what he was thinking. I drove the rest of the way home and pulled into the driveway. I said "Baby Girl run inside and tell grandma I need her right now"  My in-laws came out and helped me inside. Note that they helped me inside not my husband who is supposed to help you with stuff like that.  My mother in law helped clean me up and then put me to bed. Then she put Baby Girl to bed. Then she cleaned out my car. I know she loves me with all her heart and thinks of me like her own daughter but I felt so bad. It is not her job to clean up after me when I'm sick. It is her son's job. These are the things that make me so mad at him. He should be here helping us when we are sick. We are supposed to take care of his parents, they aren't supposed to take care of me and Baby Girl because hes not here. He is supposed to be here.  Later that night I vomited again. Again my mother in law helped me up off the bathroom floor and cleaned up and put me to bed. Again Dan wasn't here.

I actually do remember the last time I was this sick. It was about seven years ago and I had an allergic reaction to some medication. I also vomited in the car, but I was in the the passenger seat because my husband was driving his sick wife home (and I had a bowl). He took care of me then, I wish he wold have taken care of me now. Thursday I was better but not better enough to actually move. Grandma got Baby Girl to school and home again, during which time she was worried to leave me alone in case I needed her.

It was just the flu, everyone gets it. It was a horrible nasty flu. I don't know what we would have done without my in laws to take care of us.  Called them I guess. Like I said it makes me really wonder if I can do this living on our own thing. It makes me furious with Dan for not being here to take care of us.  It makes me miss him, just like every single thing does.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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