Where are Dan's leggings?





So I finally got a job. I survived for two years and now I need a job. Technically I start next week but I've already been preparing for it. I am really excited about my job (and terrified but we will get to that later). So this is what I am doing, one of my besties and I are going to sell LuLaRoe clothing. They are a fun clothing line that is known for its crazy and wild, soft and buttery leggings. If you want more info on that there is a link on the side bar. But this is a grief blog so back to grief.

Like I said I am super excited about this but the reality is that I was a stay a home mom whose husband went to work and made all the money. Honestly he had just got promoted to a really good position, we were excited about all the bills we were going to pay (not even kidding we were excited about paying off bills) And then he died. No more job, no more income, we wont even address the no more husband right now. I haven't worked at a job since Baby Girl was one, shes almost ten. I haven't done anything in two years but survive.  Now I am going to be working and I am excited about it.

And I am terrified. Terrified. There is the easy stuff to be terrified about, what if it's a giant flop, what if I hate it, what if it ruins my bestiness with my bestie, what if it's a fad, what if we are awful at it and it is a giant failure. Those are all things to worry about, they cross my mind, They do not have me quite as terrified as this, this is a big dark widow secret, are you ready? I am terrified to do this because it is the first thing I have done that I can picture doing without Dan.

Everything else I have done without Dan is because I had to, I had no choice, Watch Dan die, no choice. Go to Dan's funeral, no choice, Go to therapy, take baby girl to therapy. MOVE. Live every single second without him, I didn't choose to do any of that. This job I chose, This is something I want to do, this is something I feel like I can do without him. Of course I would prefer he were here always, but I can see myself selling clothes without Dan there. ahhhhhhhhh yes it's terrifying to think about that. Thats why I go to therapy.

Tonight I talked to an old friend on face book. He went to high school with Dan ad I.

You see there is this big movement? I guess you could call it, in this legging business. It's all about getting the men involved. It's about them liking the clothes as much as the women do. It's about them helping their significant other out in this business adventure. The cool men, the really bad ass men, will wear the leggings. They might even let their other halves take a picture of them in leggings. The ones that are badder then the bad asses will put on some music and do a little dance to be videoed and used in advertising.

Anyway this friend I was talking to tonight, His significant other sells leggings and he is a big part of her business. They are partners, they do it together. He posted a picture of all the women in his house in valentine leggings. Joking around I said to him "hey wheres the picture of you in leggings" "He joked back "I'm waiting to find the perfect pair"  I joked back "you know I totally would have had Dan in a pair by now" he answered "O I know you would have, I know"

Thats about the crux of it. Dan would have worn leggings for me in a heartbeat. Dan would have put them on just to give Baby Girl and I a laugh. He would have done a little dance for me to post and people to laugh at. Dan was not afraid of making a fool of himself. He didn't really care, He was big on people judging you for who you actually are not their impression of you. He kinda rallied against first impressions. I have seen Dan do some crazy stuff. He's worn a skirt twice that I know of. He ran around with princess underwear on his head. He's made hundreds of stuffed animals talk. leggings. cha. easy.

But more then that, if Dan were here and I wanted to do this he would have supported me 100%. He would have been there every step of the way, watching us sell stuff on face book, telling me how beautiful I looked in the clothes. helping us get ready for sales. Putting up with the hundreds of people that are going to be coming through our house (thats a big one, he was an extreme introvert). Dan would have put on leggings, he would have been there for me. That is the 100,863,784,376th thing I miss most about him. His never ending devotion and support.

I hope those of you that know Dan are laughing your heads off right now picturing him dancing around in my leggings. Can you see him? I can. It's hilarious.

My old friend if your reading this, take a picture with some leggings. Don't let the dead guy be more of a bad ass then you.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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