Longest month Ever





So in case you didn't know January was the longest month ever. Yes I know today is February 12, believe me I know. Today is 25 months since Dan died. Two years and one month.  I am really bad about remembering what the date is but I always remember the 12th.  January 12th was two years since Dan died. The first 12 days of February felt like January still. January felt never ending. Lost in grief. Lost wishing for the life I'm supposed to be having right now, you know that silly one where my husband is not dead. I really liked that life.

January was a giant hole of emptiness like the 'nothing' from The Never Ending Story. Just blackness chasing me, devouring everything in it's path. It doesn't matter how hard I run it will get me anyway. Yup thats what January felt like on the inside.  Empty. I am trying to be brave and strong and fight it. It's not working.

Baby Girl has her own 'nothing' chasing her this January too. She has been running from it for two years now and it is catching her. She is terrified of the nothing, I can tell, I can see it in her eyes. She is being brave and strong and trying to fight it. It's not working.

I forget how the never ending story ends. I know they make it to the child like empresses(I always wanted to be the child like empress) and everything is restored, but I forget how they got to her. Did they push through the nothing or did the nothing consume them. What happened to the nothing? Was it destroyed? Clearly I need to watch this movie again, Of course 80's movies are also known for their giant gaps in plot lines, maybe I don't remember because we never find out.

Maybe the nothing never goes away. There is always a black cloud trying to devour us. The giant emptiness that was Dan. The gaping hole of him being gone. The nothing that can not fill the space that was him. Your body was about to burst it had so much love in it and now there is just nothing, blackness, emptiness. How do I get to my child like empress of Dan so that he can restore everything to how it was? How do I find him again? I don't know how. My plot line has a huge gap.

Also my feet are cold.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 12, 2017 at 10:25 PM

    Jenny, I'm sorry. It is so humbling to be a witness to your grief. Thank you for your bravery.

    ReplyDelete

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