Trains of thought




I went to therapy yesterday. I'm trying to figure out how to put into words what we talked about and it's not coming. We always start therapy the same way, she asks, "whats new" and I reply "Dan's dead" I wonder if shes waiting for the day I will give a different answer. I will be surprised myself if I ever do. Then we go on to talk about how Dan being dead has affected my life this week. We only have an hour so we never get finished. Generally it revolves around two things: how am I doing and how is baby girl doing.  Again we only have an hour so we never get finished.

Is this writers block? I don't consider myself a writer so I don't think I can have writers block. I think more what it is is stress. I am so stressed I can't really think straight. I can't concentrate, I can't remember what I'm doing or supposed to be doing. I wonder how many hours I've wasted the last two years wandering around aimlessly because I couldn't remember what I was doing. It would not surprise me if it was more then the rest of my entire life put together.

lost my train of thought.

moving on.

So whats stressing me out. Moving, jobs, parenting, siblings, parents, friends. time, money, Baby Girl, man Baby Girl is stressing me out.  You know stuff. Stuff called life. Everybody has this stressful life stuff. Mine is no different then yours as far as the basic stresses. However, throw in the life altering, crushing weight of death and it multiplies all this stuff by 1,000 at least. Everything is multiplied. Everything is harder. I've said this before, grief affects everything you do, every single moment of your life.

There goes that train of thought again.

Since I started "working" I've been having these weekly phone meetings. Someone couldn't make our scheduled time this week and asked if we could do 8 pm instead. Nope I can't do 8 pm. I have to put Baby Girl to bed at 8 pm. I can't get her dad to do it even though it is so his turn. Plus bedtime is HARD for Baby Girl. Bedtime is all kinds of hard. Anxiety comes out at bedtime. It's even worse because daddy died while she was asleep, therefore mommy has to stay with her, mommy has to put her to bed. No one else can do it, otherwise mommy might disappear just like daddy did. It's all kinds of hard and it's all kinds of complicated, thats what happens when your dad dies, things suddenly get hard and complicated. On a good night it takes an hour for baby girl to fall asleep.  So lets plan on it being a good night and we can do our phone call at 9. That gives me an hour to get Baby Girl to sleep.  It was not a good night. At 8:40 she was still wide awake. Now I'm stressed because my kids awake and I'm down to 20 minutes to get her to sleep, it's never gonna happen. I try anyway. At 9:05 she barley drifts off and I sneak out to join my phone call thinking I lucked out. Two minutes later (if it was that long) she comes walking out looking for me. She crawls into my lap. I continue the phone call, frustrated that baby girl is still awake, beyond frustrated that her dad isn't here to swoop her up and carry her back to bed and sing her back to sleep so I can make one tiny phone call. Thinking to myself "I can't do this job thing, I can't even make a phone call, what am I going to do"

And there it goes again

So frustrated that everything is so hard now. It didn't used to be so hard.Again the grief makes everything more difficult to deal with. But I have another problem too, I don't know how to do anything on my own.  It wasn't our way. I know a lot of moms that even in the year 2017 they are solely responsible for taking care of the children.  I kinda can't wrap my head around that, it is so foreign to me. Dan had a huge part in taking care of Baby Girl, He was so involved. We put her to bed together every night. We got her ready together every morning. On the rare occasion one of us wasn't there it just didn't feel right, it was stressful and hard. Those times when Dan had a meeting or something I would be so mad at him for missing our routine and making me do it by myself.  Now I've been doing it for two years by myself. Yup I'm still mad at him about it too. Also something that was a rare occasion and is now everyday.

And the trains gone

I wrote a book about my grief, You can read it here: Carry on Castle

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