Life is good. And everything sucks.




I was talking to a fellow young widow today and I asked her how she was doing with her widowness. It's the nice way of saying hows the dead husband thing working out. she replied "eh Life is good and everything sucks, you know how it is." Yes yes I know how it is. Life is good AND everything sucks.

LIFE IS GOOD, I started working at a job I love, I'm getting ready to move into my new house which is going to be really cute. I have an amazing daughter. I have a fantastic family who loves me unconditionally, I have the most wonderful friends.  I am grateful for all these things. I do realize how lucky I am.

EVERYTHING SUCKS. So I don't know if you heard but my husband, my soul mate died. I kinda tend to harp on it but it's a pretty big deal to me. It sorta makes everything suck. It's like a black could hanging over everything. Even in the happiest moments, your sad and you miss him.

Life is good. The grand opening of my business was this weekend. It was a huge success. My partner and I were blown away. Before the opening I laid on in a heap on my bed, trying to motivate myself to get dressed, to get up and move for this thing I was really excited for. Trying really, to reconcile my brain to the fact that I was doing this without Dan. Trying to tell myself I will do this without Dan, Everything sucks.

Life is good, we sold and sold and sold our product. It's a great product. Several people said "my husband is going to kill me for spending this much money." my response was "well you know who to blame" In other words blame Dan, As much as I love my new job, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be doing it if Dan were here, I wouldn't need to have a job. Even though I truly love what were selling and I think anyone who tries it will love it I can't help but wonder how many people came because they felt like they needed to support the young widow, because her husband died. Everything sucks.

Life is good. I have the most amazing child. I'm pretty sure at 9 she is already smarter then me, I'm certain she thinks so. She is so much like her daddy that sometimes you forget who your talking to. She is sensitive and caring and sarcastic and loves animals. She has her daddy's eyes. I adore her. Since her dad died she has had extreme anxiety, and it is hard to deal with. She is battling with her grief and many times I think the grief is winning and my poor baby girl is losing. SHE MISSES HER DAD. Everything sucks.

Life is good. My fixer upper house I bought is coming along. I will get to move in soon. I l've the paint and the style and all the little quirks I was able to add.I can't wait to unpack and hang pictures. I want to wake up and look out my living room window and see the daffodils. I want to do that with my husband and I don't get to. While its the perfect little house for me and Baby Girl it is not at all the house Dan and I would have bought together, It's not even anything close. I can't decide where I'm going to put his urn. Everything sucks.

Even after two years if I stop and let myself think about him being dead it feels like I'm being stabbed in the heart and I want to throw up. I used to have constant flashbacks of the night he died. With some super intense therapy they are much better, but they still come. They will just jump into my brain as I'm driving, or working on my house, or listening to baby girl tell me about her day. And then everything freezes and I feel like maybe I'm watching a movie, like this can't be my life, this didn't actually happen, what kind of pshyco dream am I having. I will wake up or get home and Dan will be there. Sudden, fast, a stab in the heart, a punch in the gut. No this is real, This is what really happened. It has really been two years. (that one really gets me cause I'm pretty sure it was just last week).

Life is good and I miss Dan
Life is good and grief is never ending
Life is good and Baby Girl hates school
Life is good and my in-laws miss their son terribly


Life is good. AND everything sucks.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle


Comments

  1. GeorganneFebruary 27, 2017 at 11:49 PM

    Yes. Yes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownMarch 1, 2017 at 12:48 PM

    As always, your words leave me breathless and knowing that I need to be grateful every day for what I have.

    ReplyDelete

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