Control




There's so much grief running through my head right now that I can't decide which thing to write about. Which thing needs processing the most I guess. I don't really know which thing that is. I think it's a grief thing to not be able to prioritize. Or perhaps we just prioritize differently now. For instance I should be sleeping but I'm rambling about grief instead.

I'm taking this parenting class right now. We were supposed to go through a list of mistakes kids can make and decide if they were "acceptable" mistakes or "non acceptable" mistakes and then discuss it with your table group. Not the first time I realized I have a different perspective now. Not doing home work; acceptable. wasting money; acceptable. picking on your sibling; acceptable. Other parents did not necessarily agree with me. Crashing your car when your a teenager; I put my x in the middle for that one. it depends on the circumstances, did you total your car? so what. As long as you and your passengers are still alive thats really all that matters. That is what it boiled down to me on that list. Did it lead to death or did it not lead to death. Cause really nothing else matters.

Baby Girl is having a hard time right now. I've said this before. I think her grief is catching up to her. She is trying to control life when life is completely out of control. Daddy died, we had no control. We had to move, we had no control.  We are moving again, she got no control in that one either. So she tries to find control in ways only a 9 year old can. She hasn't done her homework for three weeks. I haven't made her and I'm not planning too. Go ahead gasp. Comment on my bad parenting. Tell me how she will never get into college if she doesn't do her 4th grade homework. It's ok. I used to be like you. I used to worry my little head off about her doing her homework. When Dan died she missed a month of homework. I was worried she'd never catch up on it. Then someone told me to throw it away. That she didn't have to do it. It didn't matter right now, there were bigger things. They were right. It didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. Right now there are bigger things to worry about. Right now we need to worry about feeling safe and secure and in control of just a little bit of our own life. We do not need to worry about homework.

When I need to make decisions I always think about what Dan would do. Why shouldn't I? When he was alive I asked him questions every day because I wanted his opinion. Most of the time they were pretty trivial "hey babe should I wear the blue shirt today or the red shirt" "Jennifer why do you always ask me this you never wear the one I pick. wear the red shirt today." "I ask you because it helps me decide what I really want. I will wear the blue one today" It would drive him nuts. Of course with matters of baby girl we always talked it over. We always tried to do what was best for her and we would discuss what that was. I think it's called parenting or something.

Dan isn't here. Sadly he doesn't really talk to me since he died. I still have decisions to make. I still want his advice. Sometimes I know exactly what he would say and I do the opposite. Like a big F you Dan, your not here, you don't get a vote. Or a challenge, if you don't agree feel free to come down here and stop me. I did that with the paint for the house. I can guarantee you they are not the colors Dan would have picked or even what we would have compromised on together. He can come and stop me from painting anytime.  Other things I think about what he would say and I do that. He would say don't worry about baby girl's homework, it's fine. Ok Dan, your right, I won't.  However most of the time I don't know what he would say because we wouldn't be in this situation if he were here, we would be doing something completely different. You see we never had the conversation about what to do if he suddenly dies in the middle of the night and what to do about the repercussions from that. Strangely it just never came up. If your married you may want to have such a conversation with your spouse so you will know what to do if you ever need to. Most of the time I'm at a loss, I've never done this before. We've never done this before. We were supposed to be raising this 9 year old together and were not. We are supposed to be discussing what's best for the 9 year old together and were not.

15 years we were married. 17 years we were together. We were in this together. Now were not. But we are, but were not. I feel like we are but your not here. I want to make decisions with you but your not here. All I can do is try to imagine what you would say and then either go with that or flip you off.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on castle

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