This may make you angrier then it will make God.

I skipped church last week, and the week before that, and probably the week before that. No wait I went somewhere in there. But I've been skipping a lot of church. Basically all summer, I think I went to church three times all summer. Now i'm not one that thinks you have to go to church every single week or you'll go to hell. But I do think you should go on a regular basis because community is good for your soul. I grew up in a Catholic church and we went to church EVERY SUNDAY. You only got out of church if you were physically puking. However we weren't as bad as my cousins, they even had to go to church when they were camping. When I was a teenager I started going to  a Christian youth group.  I don't remember exactly when but it was spring. That summer I went to church camp and meet Dan. I've told you this story. From that point on nearly every religious experience I've had was with Dan. Dan and I went to church together, even in high school. Dan and I went to bible college together. Dan wanted to be a Counselor/Pastor. He was two classes away from having his masters of Divinity (a pastoral degree) when he died.

Dan, like always has a great story of how he became a Christian. I'm not going to tell it now, I think he has it written out somewhere, when I find it I'll post it. He tells better stories.But ever since that day he has lead a life devoted to God. That's all Dan really wanted, to save the world by showing it God's love. By showing people compassion, by being kind to animals, by protecting our environment. St Francis, and mother Theresa were Dan's heroes, I always said he would have made a great monk, reading, praying, studying, helping people. I think being a monk was a serious contender as a career choice, except he meet me and that ruined that option.

We weren't just casual Christians, Christianity was a huge part of our lives. Dan had faith like no one I've ever known, While I tended to worry about everything he never did. He would always say things like "God's got it in control" and "it will be fine God's got it" "don't worry Jennifer God will take care of it" Dan also prayed a lot, he was one of those people that would not just pray but actually "talk" to God, and Dan would listen.  I was always more practical, I believe in God, but I want a clear answer, proof if you will. Dan had faith, Dan had enough faith for both of us. Many times it was Dan's faith that got me through. Dan believes God is going to take care of it and I believe in Dan's faith and so I believe God is going to take care of it, because Dan told me he would.

And here is where you might get angry. So I've been skipping church a lot. I tell people i'm busy, summer you know, lots of trips. Thats true I tell people I am completely stressed out with this single parent business that I didn't sign up for and I get us up and going every day and I just need one day to rest. That's true. I tell people that this buying a house thing was insanely stressful and it was all I could concentrate on. Yup that's true too. But this is also true, and this one I don't tell many people because then I get weird looks and tut tuts and real Christians don't do that. True: I am pissed off at God. I am fucking pissed. I am angry at God, I'm not actually talking to him at the moment. I have never been angrier in my entire life. If God were standing in front of me I am certain I would punch him in the face while yelling curse words.

This is why: I feel like God let Dan die, and I can not understand why he would do that. "my God, my God why have you forsaken me" is how I feel. Now I know the "scholarly" answer that it is because sin entered the world and God didn't want Dan to die either. That may be true, right now it doesn't help me. I know the platitudes that God has a plan for me, and everything happens for a reason. I can write a whole blog on how those aren't helpful and lots of other people already have. This is what I know, I was there when Dan died, I watched Dan die, I watched cpr not work, I watched shocking his heart not work. I watched and I prayed. I prayed harder then I ever have in my entire life for God to save Dan and He didn't.

A friend said once that Dan was one of very few people that actually "walked the walk" and not just "talked the talk" That was Dan. True to the core. An actual really good person right here in the 21st century. All he wanted to do was help people (ok and maybe get tattoos). He was dying, I was praying and God did not intervene.

So yes I am angry with God. I am bloody pissed. But you know what, THAT IS OK. God created the universe, he can handle some anger from little ole me. My husbands dead, of course I'm pissed, Honestly I have to wonder at people who say their not. I'm sure God can understand my anger and I'm sure he can take it. I hear he's pretty tough. I read in some widow book once that it takes an average of three years to not be mad at God anymore. Ok i'll take it. I will wait out my three years and see what happens. I know God will be patient with me if it takes longer then that. I will go to church when I can muster the strength and I won't when I can't. I don't expect to be angry at God forever, but right now I still am and that's ok with God. He's God after all.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle