Randomness




My brain is all a jumble the last week or so.  To say I miss Dan is the biggest understatement that ever existed. My soul does not function right without him. In an effort to unjumble here are some random thoughts.

I started turning my electric blanket on. I love to be all warm and snugly in bed. Dan did not. Dan was always too hot, Dan was always throwing his blankets off. It was common for me to be sleeping under three blankets and him to be sleeping under none. Baby girl is exactly like her father in this way. The electric blanket was always too hot for Dan, even though we had separate controls, my side still made him too hot. I miss Dan throwing the blankets off and turning my electric blanket down when he thought I was asleep.

I bought new appliances for my new house today. I have never in my life bought new appliances, we always got hand me downs from a relative or craigslist. Yet another milestone I thought I would be doing with Dan. The sales man said "Can your husband help you hook them up" no I mumbled, I didn't tell him why. I got to pick out whatever fridge I wanted, Dan didn't get an opinion.

Baby girl asked how much longer we had to keep going to Doughy Center (a support group for children who lost a parent) I replied "o a while we just have see how it goes" but in my head I was thinking "until you actually start talking about your dad and acknowledging that he died"

I ripped the carpet out of my new house. For most of it I had help but some of it I did by myself. I couldn't lift the carpet by myself. Dan wasn't coming home from work anytime soon to help me. So I thought I was clever and I backed my dads truck up to the window and then pushed the carpet out the window. I told my dad this and said "see who needs Dan" he replied "I know at least two people that do" ya your right dad, no matter how clever I am or how I manage to accomplish things on my own I still need Dan.

I know this girl from our church. I don't know her very well but I've always liked her. Her ex-boyfriend, the father of her 5 year old daughter died this week. I never meet him. Yet I was crying and crying over this news. One more little girl has lost her daddy and her life will never be the same. Just like my little girl. It is so hard for her, I don't want it to be hard for any other little girls. I felt like I should have some words of wisdom to give them, but I have nothing. It just sucks.

Baby girl asked me today why she was having such a rough school year (she's had a rough start to the school year) I blame her dead father. Life would be easier if he where her. Easier for her, easier for me. Probably not easier for Dan because I hear it doesn't get any better then heaven, but we could sure use him down here. She tries so hard to be normal and I think she's starting to get cracks in her logic.

I have two weddings coming up. Baby sisters of course but also a friends. I am slightly terrified at how I will be at these weddings. I hear weddings are a prime time to really miss dead spouses, but I haven't gone to any yet to test the theory.  It should be interesting.

I told baby girl a story about her and Dan today. when she was about three Dan was explaining to her why they couldn't do something she wanted to do. Baby girl looked at him and said "Daddy your logic is poopy" baby girl laughed and laughed at this story. I wish she could remember it. I wish she could remember every single conversation with him, every single hug, every single smile at her. I am terrified she will forget her daddy, terrified. I don't want her just to know he loved her because people tell her he did. I want her to remember that he loved her. I want her to remember that they constantly goofed around together. I want her to remember him.


I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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