Leaving you behind

8 months after Dan died I re-did my bedroom. I want to say I decided to redo my bedroom but I didn't. I guess in a way I did because it was my decision, but like all the decisions I've made since Dan died I felt like it was a decision I was forced to make. After all I would never have done it if Dan were still alive. There would be no need to. Through therapy we discovered that hey maybe it wasn't the best idea in the world to be reminded of your husband dying every time you walked in your bedroom. Now  part of thats true and part of its not. I mean your going to be reminded no matter what. He's not there, he's not in your bed with you, he died. That doesn't go away. But at the same time maybe if we could make my room more peaceful and slightly different it wouldn't be as bad.

So in one weekend my besties came over and we painted and rearranged my room. This included getting rid of Dan's clothes and Dan's dresser. How do you do that? My friends kept telling me I didn't have to get rid of anything. True. But what was I going to do with it? What was I going to do with his shoes that he hated anyway? Luckily my besties are my besties for a reason and we swiftly went through Dan's things, quick, little thinking, I think that helped. Just do, worry about feelings later but right now get the job done. I tend to do that a lot. I kept a few of his favorite shirts, a tie I had gotten him, his jackets. I gave all his t-shirts to his mother and she maid quilts out of them. The rest of his clothes were donated.

15 months after Dan died I was forced to make another decision I didn't want to make. We had to move out of our house. (That is a big long story I think I already blogged about and if I didn't I will. It is not today's story) Now moving means you have to sort. You have to sort through everything and decide what you want and don't want. Every single thing in your house, my stuff, his stuff, our stuff. My stuff was easy to get rid of, I'm still here. Our stuff wasn't so bad. His stuff was awful. But worst of all was the stuff he had given me.  Almost everything had to go in a pod so I had to be very choosy.

I'm almost positive what I chose to keep and get rid of most people would have thought ridiculous. But I'm the crazy widow here so I got to decide that at least.

Keep: His antique glass bottle collection. He had over 500 easy. My friend said I could sell some of them and make some money and still keep plenty. She was right, she even researched how much they were worth for me. I gave a few out to family and friends. The rest I packed into boxes, all of them. I couldn't bear to sell his silly glass bottles.

Keep: His shaver, I just couldn't get rid of it.

Keep: His books. He loved books. We have an actual library in our house. I estimate we have 2,000 books. I don't want all those books. I don't. I want maybe half. I will sell the other half on amazon. I went through every single book and decided to keep it or sell it. I was very proud of myself cause I was willing to sell like half. And their all in the pod. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

Keep: His rock collection. Every single time Dan went anywhere he would pick up a rock. He taught baby girl to do the same. It was a fun game. When we would go to the beach they would each come home with their own bucket of rocks and shells. I would dump them all in a flower bed making a rock garden. leaves and pine needles and dirt would fall on them but we were always adding more so you never noticed. I could have left them their. nobody would notice a bunch of rocks. But I couldn't leave them their, they were his. I spent several days digging up all the rocks and laying them out in the garage so they could dry so I could pack them. All of them.

Keep: His Pepsi cups. Dan was a Pepsi boy, (his favorite soda was Mtn Dew, which is made by Pepsi) but I am a Coke girl. We would argue over which one is superior.  We each had a set of antique Pepsi and Coke cups. I don't like Pepsi, I could have easily gotten rid of his cups. I didn't, they were his.

Get rid of: His c-pap machine. Ya that thing is nightmare educing. I couldn't bare to look at it. His parents took care of it for me. They donated it or something, I'm not really sure.

Get rid of: a million nic nacs. He would have said, "but thats treasure, you can't get rid of that" I know Dan but I can't keep everything. We have too much stuff. "No such thing" he would have said.

Get rid of: His work out equipment. He had all kinds of workout equipment. Dan actually enjoyed working out and was bummed he didn't have more time for it. But it was more important to him that he spend time with his family then be in shape. I got rid of all of it. Lets face it Dan I'm not going to use it, I hate working out. Again people told me I should sell it and I gave it away. I apparently have a thing about selling Dan's stuff. It just felt so wrong. I couldn't do it.

Get rid of: His insignificant papers. This means stuff he didn't personally write or write on. He was a paper hoarder, he had so many papers. I burned them, for some reason that was more worthy then just throwing them in recycling

Get rid of: the dinning room table. Dan got me that dinning room table for my birthday or our anniversary I don't remember which one. I was never in love with it, but I never told Dan that. It was one of about three things he had gotten me EVER that I didn't totally love. He was great at getting me presents. All the same it was a nice table.  It was slightly broken in that the ends sorta bent downward. But I didn't love it. But Dan gave it to me. AHHHH what should I do.  Do I keep something I don't love because the person that gave it to me I loved with all my heart. And he got it for me because he loved me. It was a hard decision but I decided not to keep it. Then I made my sister get rid of it for me because I couldn't do it.

Get rid of: Our dinner plates. Dan got me these plates for my birthday one year. They were older, fancy, the kind you have to wash by hand. They had a purple rose in the middle which is why Dan got them for me, a purple rose was "our symbol" a symbol of our love. I love those plates. However I'm actually a pretty big klutz and over the years I broke several so that we no longer had a complete set.  As I mentioned you had to wash them by hand and I find my time to do those sorts of things is very limited these days. I do think I came to a good compromise on these though. I bought new dishwasher happy dishes and I am going to keep two of my old dishes. One to hang on the wall and the second one to replace the hanging one when I inevitably break it.

Of course thats just a sampling of all the things I had to sort through. Every single one reminding me of Dan, Of our life together.  I could tell you where we got every single thing and the story of getting it. A story with Dan in it.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle