I think I hate 4th grade.

School has been in for exactly one month now. Baby girl is 9 and in 4th grade this year. You may be able to sense from my title that so far it is not the best school year we've ever had. Now I absolutely love and adore her school. They were amazing even before Dan died, and since they have only gotten better But it has been a rough start to the year. Like all things I'm sure of what it is and not sure what it is. It is the big thing: her dad is still dead and she is still learning how to survive without him just like we all are. You put that with some little things like her best friend not being in her class and her having a new teacher and you get the rough month we have had.

Since Dan died baby girl has had a lot of anxiety. A lot, It is how she is doing her grief. She strives so hard to be normal and act like daddy dying doesn't bother her that everything else in the world worries her.  I don't blame her she has great reasons. In less then two years her dad died out of no where, she had to move out of the house she loved and in with grandma and grandpa, and now we are moving into a new house that she doesn't feel like is hers. Add all the smaller things like we had to change insurances so we had to find new doctors and new dentists. We bought a new car. We started going to therapy. We started going to doughy center. Auntie is getting married. Mommy cries a lot now. Mommy doesn't have energy to play with her. Everything is different without daddy everything. How can you not have anxiety.

She always has anxiety when she has a substitute teacher. Its something different and new and she doesn't know what's going to happen.  Last year her teacher was sick for several days and by the end of the week baby girls anxiety was so bad she made herself sick and stayed home from school. I honestly think she was worried something bad had happened to her teacher. I had to keep reassuring her that it was just the flu.

On Friday she had a substitute. I was at school helping with an assembly. After the assembly she came up to me and said she didn't feel good. I walked with her back to class and sent her in. About 20 minutes later I delivered some papers to her classroom. Again she told me she didn't feel good and she wanted to go home with me. I took her out into the hall and talked to her and decided it was just her anxiety and I made her go back to school.  When I picked her up from school she cried and cried because she said she didn't feel good and wanted to go home but didn't know how to call me (she does shes just afraid to talk to subs to go to the office) Of course once we got that all settled she was fine the rest of the weekend.

Today I was at school again. It was near the end of the day and I went into her classroom to pick something up. Again she immediately came up to me and said she didn't feel good and wanted to go home. I told her I had to finish what I was doing  and then I would come check on her again. So I did. I took her out in the hall and talked to her. 99% certain it was her anxiety I let her come home with me 40 minutes early. It's a hard balance because I want her to learn to deal with it but at the same time I don't want her to be absolutely miserable.

Also she has been seeming to have a lot of trouble with the other kids in general. I'm not really sure what to think about it, if it's just what kids this age do or if  she is being picked on. I don't really see how that's possible shes always been pretty popular with the other kids.  I do believe she feels like shes being picked on. She has told me several stories about the other kids being mean. She has never said stuff like this before. Sometimes she will say her friend hurt her feelings but those are always "friend fights" Now it's other kids in her class. I am not one of those parents who thinks the teacher should patrol every single action of every single kid but at the same time  baby girl doesn't generally say stuff like that. Some people have told me that kids this age are just mean to each other, maybe? I think this is probably contributing to her anxiety and her not wanting to be at school.   On the one hand I think eh we did stuff like that all the time when we were kids, I got teased all the time. I have red hair AND freckles. I'm lucky I turned out so normal with all the teasing I got.  But on the other hand I as her parent of course don't like that she has to worry about this stuff. I am also concerned because it's not really her personality to put up with stuff like that. she is usually a take charge I'm the boss kind of kid. And I can't help worry that it is all related to Dan dying. I feel like she used to be so outgoing and ever since Dan died she has become more and more introverted and quite and doesn't want to play as much or do as much or talk to other kids as much. She has come home from school several times every week and cried for some reason or another.

My therapist asked me today what I wanted for her, other then the obvious of her dad not being dead which I don't get. I want I think what all parents want for their kids. I want her to be happy. I want her to be carefree. I want her to be confident. I want her to not have anxiety. I want her to be able to deal with her anxiety. I want her to be able to talk about her dad. I want her to remember how much he loved her. I want her to be able to still find the greatness in life and not this overwhelming sadness I know she has, shes to young for that. See I just want simple things for her.

P.S. I want her to not kill me when shes a teenager and finds out I blog about her grief. O and I want her to conquer the world.


I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle