Sisters aren't the same as husbands, but still good, ya still good.




So baby sister is getting married. I have mentioned this before. 10ish more days ahhhhh. This weekend we had her bachelorette party. Her closest girl friends and family went to a cabin on the mountain to spend the weekend doing girly things. I was ordered by my therapist to relax and have fun and not worry about baby girl back home with grandma and grandpa. I mostly did just that.

I have three sisters (I also have two brothers, but they are not in this story). Yes my parents had six kids. Yes we are all from the same two parents. No we are not Mormon. Yes we are Catholic. This is what we grew up saying to other people. I am very close with my sisters, I can't imagine it any other way. My sisters know me in a way no one else does. After all we've known each other since we were born. Dan and my brother in laws would always tease us that when we get to talking we have our own "language" They call it "Steffen speech" (my maiden name). I guess it's basically fast slurred words that apparently no one else can understand. We never noticed it till our husbands started complaining. They do not know me as good as Dan did. But they are the next best thing.

Upon getting to the cabin my oldest sister who likes to mother us said "Jennifer me and you are sharing this bed." uh ok I said. She had been there before and knew what one was the best bed. We also shared a room growing up so it was second nature to share again. She even threatened to put tape down the middle of the room if I didn't clean up my mess. When we were sleeping I started coughing in the middle of the night. My sister sleepily hands me her water bottle and says "here drink some water"  It's been 20 months since anyone noticed that I coughed in the middle of the night. 20 months since anyone got up in the middle of the night to get me anything yet alone water. 20 months of me taking care of myself in the middle of the night. Dan was so good at taking care of me that I was thoroughly spoiled and it's little things like this that I really miss. Someone handing you water in the middle of the night never seems like a big deal, but once you don't have it anymore you realize it is. As my sister went back to sleep glad I was no longer keeping her awake I thought about ow much I miss Dan and how nice it was that my sister took care of me.

Sitting in the cabin as it poured rain outside my younger sister painted my nails. I just laid and got pampered, it's not even my wedding. I think she knew I needed a break too. She also made henna designs all over my body. This sister is great at just being with you. she makes everything fun. She still jumps on the bed in the morning and steals your covers.

Baby sister brought me coffee on the couch. I didn't even have to get up and go get it. Again it's been 20 months since someone just let me relax on the couch and brought me warm drinks just because, just so I wouldn't have to get up.  You can see why I was so in love with Dan, why I miss him so, he did this kind of stuff all the time.

On Saturday I snuck out of the party for a few hours. I had an appointment to get a tattoo with my besties. This tattoo shop was having a marathon for the Doughy Center. All their earnings went to Doughy Center on Saturday. Doughy Center is a support group in our town specifically for children who lost a parent or sibling. They are an amazing program and have been an enormous help to us since Dan died. I had to go support them. I got my tattoo on my back. I love my new tattoo. When I returned to the cabin party I went into the bathroom to take my bandage off. Turns out it's really hard to take a bandage off your back by yourself. Dan always helped me with that. (and zipping up dresses too). So I flipped Dan off and walked out to the living room. On the verge of tears I said "I can't do it" My sisters came to the rescue. My older sister took the bandage off. While Dan always had a gentle approach to life this sister has a rip the band aid off approach. Which is exactly what she did. oooowwwweeeee.  But it was off. Baby sister went in the bathroom with me to help me wash it. I was still on the verge of tears telling myself how dumb I was to get a tattoo on my back that I can't even clean myself and Dan's not here to help me, and this is his job. Baby sister is helping me now but shes not always around. Baby sister put on a cheery face and told me it would be ok.

I had a great weekend with my sisters, and cousins that are like sisters, and friends that are like sisters. It was relaxing and fun. Short of my husband it was just what I needed. But that last sentence is there. Always there. Things can be good, we can have a great time, but Dan is always missing, even at bachelorette parties.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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