Well that experiment didn't work

So remember about two years ago when I put my 9 year old on antidepressants because her daddy died when she was 7 and her anxiety was so bad neither of us could even catch a breathe. I do. I was there. It was awful. If you don't remember feel free to read about it here  I put baby girl on antidepressants

Slowly, very slowly she started to come out of it. I started seeing glimpses of her becoming a kid again. Laughing and playing with her friends. Not being terrified when mommy left the room. It was a big deal. She continued to get better. She went from having a grief tantrum every day to me saying "hmmmmm I don't remember the last time she had one" I talked to her therapist and psychiatrist about how great she was doing. We all thought maybe she didn't need the antidepressants anymore. She was handling life so well. So about a month ago we decided to take her off them. You can read about that here I took Baby Girl off antidepressants

Yup, well that experiment didn't work.  When we took her off the psychiatrist said "look for signs that it's not working, you will be able to tell if it's anxiety or tweendom, your her mom.  Hahahahaha I think the psychiatrist overestimates my mommy ability, but ok.  At first I didn't notice anything unusual, it seemed to be going great. Then I noticed her being, hmmmm, a bit on the bratty side, but shes a tween, she is right in the thick of thinking the world revolves around her, of course she always wants to get her way. I didn't worry about it.

Then we had a couple instances that made me wonder. I ran to the store, she wanted to stay home and watch tv, thats fine. I left and five minutes later she called me. "Mommy you have to come back and get me, I want to go with you, I don't want to stay home all alone, I'm scared"  So I turned around and got her, she was fine after that.  Then she wanted to sleep in my bed, she hassn't done that in a long long time. A couple nights later she was in my bed again, and again, and again. I asked my friends what they thought, "shes probably just adjusting to being off the medication give it some time." ok. Quickly she started to retreat, she didn't want to go play with her friends anymore, she just wanted to stay home. One day I picked her up from school early because 'her tummy hurt' thats code for anxiety with her in case you don't know.

We went to therapy and I told MTD what was going on. "What do you think, is she just having a rough couple weeks or should we put her back on antidepressants?" "I think you should refer to the psychiatrist" Not your most helpful moment MTD.

We went to the psychiatrist. I told her the things I noticed and that I wasn't sure if it was tweendom or anxiety. The more we talked the more things I realized baby girl was doing that she hadn't done in a very long time. Inching closer and closer to me on the couch so shes so close I can't even move. Asking me where I'm going every time I get up.  I was out of town for a night and she stayed with grandma, she cried and cried because she didn't want mommy to leave and she called me several times while I was gone. Getting very very upset and angry when other kids come over and 'touch her stuff' you know like sit on her couch and watch her tv.

The psychiatrist "No, that is extreme, even for a tween. Her anxiety is definitely coming out. I highly recommenced you put her back on medication." I started to cry, I couldn't help it. "is this how it's going to be then, for the rest of her life shes going to need antidepressants?"  she replied, "No, we don't know that, it's just for now, clearly they are helping her so isn't it great that we have such a medication that can do that for her, so she can breathe, so you can both breathe...how can I help you feel better about this decision?"  I try to stop crying so I can speak clearly, uhhh it kinda works "You can't. Your right, I know your right, she is not ok. I just wish she was, I wish she didn't have anxiety, I wish her Dad had never died, this isn't how her life is supposed to be, she is not supposed to be worried all the time, she is supposed to be happy. She's my Baby Girl." 

The psychiatrist "You know it's possible she has always had some level of anxiety and her dads death has just heightened it." I think for a minute "yes your probably right, she has always always hated change. We got a new couch once, she cried over the old couch for days. We moved when she was 4, that was a really big adjustment. It's just that in those instances Dan could always talk her down, he could always calm her down. Whenever she was worried about something Dan was there to talk to her, know he's not. I am terrible at talking to her, I never know what to say."  People like to throw this answer at me, she responds with "I'm sure your better at it then you think, you are doing a good job mommy" Why do they always say that? Why if I am doing such a good job like everyone says do I always feel like I'm failing her?

My 11 year old daughter has extreme anxiety. Her daddy died in the middle of the night when she was 7.  That explains it. She used to be fearless, now she is afraid of everything. Medication helps, it really does and I will give it to her as long as she needs it. I just wish she didn't need it. I wish she would come running in the door after playing with the neighborhood kids and get a big smile on her face as she says "Hi daddy, when did you get home from work" He will scoop her up and hug her and say "Just now Baby Girl. How was your day?" Then he will zerbite her cheek and we will all laugh.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle