That was intense. Ya let’s go with intense




Baby Girl and I went to MTD (That's short for Magic Therapy Dude aka Baby Girls therapist)  I sit in on the sessions with her. Today she was schooling MTD on math, quite frankly it was over my head, but they were having a good time. In about five seconds everything escalated into ya that was intense. Lets back up.

Last week was Thanksgiving. Nearly everyone I have seen since then has said "Hey Jenny how did your Thanksgiving go? Justin was there right?" Basically they wanted to know if it was awkward having my boyfriend at Thanksgiving and not my dead husband, although technically my dead husband was there also.  My response is; Thanksgiving was really really good. I actually don't think it could have gone any smoother. It was just about perfect. Justin cooked our turkey and Baby Girl helped him prep it, they pulled out the guts and washed it. Baby Girl played with its body parts and named it Fredrick.  They tied up its legs and gave it a bath in boiling oil.  They laughed, Baby Girl made fun of Justin and gave him crap.  They had a great time. Thanksgiving was good.

Back in Therapy MTD asks us what our plans for Christmas are. Baby Girl proceeds to list off all the people that will be at grandmas and aunties house for Christmas. When she is done she smiles and says "that’s it". I look at her. She forgot someone, although to be fair, I hadn’t yet told her this someone was coming, so I did. "Just do you know Justin will probably be coming to both those places with us."

I looked her in the eyes, she has her daddy’s beautiful bright blue eyes. Just like her daddy they turn red almost instantly when she is upset or has allergies. This time is was the first reason as they welled up with tears. Rage swept over her body "HE IS NOT COMING TO CHRISTMAS" she kicked my foot in anger. "Ya baby I think he is, it's ok. We had a great time at Thanksgiving." Her fists were clenched and her knuckles were turning white. MTD intervened "This really upsets you Baby Girl, you didn't know Justin was going to come to Christmas so this really surprised you." Baby Girl ignored him "Mommy he is not coming, say he's not coming." "No I'm not going to say that." She screams and buries her head in the couch.

This is the most emotion she has ever shown in front of MTD, like school and really everyone who isn't mommy Baby Girl works extremely hard at being normal, at having everything be fine. Baby Girl exudes a ton of energy making this happen, she doesn't act out like this for anyone but me. Now MTD was seeing it first hand, the emails I have been sending him for three years he finely got to witness. Guess what happened next, the buzzer went off (not a literal buzzer) our hour was up our session was over. Baby Girl stomped out of the room. I hung back "What am I supposed to do?" I ask MTD "This is all normal" was his answer. That did not answer my question.

We get in the car and I take deep breathes trying to keep it together while she screams for the 45 minute drive home. For the first 10 or 15 minutes baby Girl did nothing but rage. Then she started to yell. "I don't like him mommy, I don't like him. He's stupid. I wish it would go back to the way it was just me and mommy. He can't come to Christmas. HE'S NOT FAMILY! He can't open presents with us. He can't sit on the couch and watch me and my cousins open presents." See now were getting somewhere.  My brain flashes back to almost every Christmas we've ever had, except of course for the last three years, but all the other Christmases thats exactly what we did. Dan and I would sit on the couch his arm around me, the other adults doing like wise while all the kids sat on the floor and opened presents. Baby Girl would look up at us and smile because we were smiling at her opening presents.

Then I had a thought, might as well get it over with, she can't get any madder and shes stuck in the car with me. "Being around Justin makes you miss daddy more, doesn't it?"  "YEEEEEESSSSSSS" she wailed. "Ya because you remember all the fun we used to have with daddy when Justin is around don't you?"  she tries to be defiant "SO"  I get it, I so get it "ya Baby Girl I understand I felt that way too when I first started hanging out with him, he does make me miss daddy more sometimes." She looked at me like I'm and idiot, to her there is a simple answer to this "So why do you still hang around with him?" she asks, the raging is quieting, it's almost in a normal voice, she really wanted to know the answer.  Well thats all kinds of complicated, I couldn't not, I was drawn to him, I like him, umm ya it can get complicated real fast, what do I tell Baby Girl though?

"You know I love daddy like I have never loved anyone else. I will always always love daddy no matter what. He is daddy and that does not change. But I learned that it's ok to like someone else too. It's ok to like Justin and do fun things with him and have good times. That does not mean we stop loving daddy. we will never ever ever stop loving daddy. " A lot of people try to explain it as loving more then one child. A mommy can love all three of her kids equally. However, Baby Girl is an only child so I didn't think that explanation was going to cut it for her. "You can do both Baby Girl, it's ok to do both. you can like hanging out with Justin and you will still love daddy more then anything in the world. It's ok to do both." She started to cry a quit cry, not a raging screaming cry "But I don't want to." ok I get it, your not ready to. We drove for a while in silence, then true to baby Girl fashion she changed the subject entirely.

Did I mention that I was driving home through all this. Did I mention that I kept it together and did not cry and did not crash.

We got home, I got baby Girl settled and went to my room. I crawled under the covers, too mentally drained to ever move again . I called Justin crying. I told him all about therapy and the drive home, you know what he said, "That's great Jen, I'm so glad." Yup thats what he said, not 'you tell that punk kid i'll come to Christmas if I want to.'  Not 'wow this is too much baggage for me I'm out of here.' Not 'can you please stop talking about your dead husband all the time you should be over him by now.' Instead he said "That's great, Baby Girl is processing her emotions, that is so so good, now we can figure out how to help her through this." See I told you he was amazing.

Baby Girl likes Justin. I think she likes him a lot. She doesn't want to, somewhere in her head she thinks that is betraying daddy. I get that, sometimes I worry about that to.  Shes not quite there at understanding it doesn't , at understanding she can like Justin and we can do fun things and she can still love daddy. She doesn't have to choose one or the other, she can do both. It's a hard lesson for an 11 year old to comprehend. It's a hard lesson for an adult to comprehend, but it's true.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. Emma PascaleNovember 29, 2018 at 2:19 PM

    you rock, Jenny Stults

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownDecember 4, 2018 at 11:07 AM

    Amazing work, Jenny. Thank you for giving us the raw, unfiltered experience of your grief. It's so powerful.

    ReplyDelete

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